Thank God for my little boys

Today was very busy, I have been to doctors appointments and/or scans everyday this week, (my online cancer friends can relate to that I'm sure) :-) Then I thought I'd have a day off today, I wanted to plan some special activities & crafts for my daycare kids who were coming early friday morning, but today ended up being the busiest of all!
The doctors office had a cancellation and wanted me to come in today, within an hour! In the meantime, the news lady keeps calling me to set a time today for an interview, my stepmom keeps calling me about her wedding, the insurance lady calls, my hives are itching me like crazy & have now spread up my neck and on my hands, I'm trying to print out some information from the internet on chemo rashes to take with me to the doctors and my printer is out of ink. Whew!
I'm so glad Wade came home from school in time to go with me to the doctor's office, he is my best friend, he holds my hand when he knows I'm nervous or stressed, he helps calm me down & I love him so much for that. He read cartoons for me while we waited in the doctors office, he even had to keep answering my cell phone, as it rang 4 more times, while I was being examined by the doctor. Wade is such a good little boy.
Ironically, Dr. Hudson told me the chemo rash/hives I have, can also be triggered or aggravated by stress, wow. (I've never had hives, it's so weird, I had no idea)
After a long day of the phone ringing, the doctor's appt, CVS for more prescriptions, 2 interviews (one in the parking lot at Dr. Hudsons & then another interview at our house with Mark) and about 5 more phone calls this evening, I was just ready to relax with my two little boys. We just decided to stop answering the phone & spend some alone time baking cookies together :-) My little boys are what keep me sane, when things get bad, I have them to love & hug on and you just can't ask for anything better :-)
Thank God for my little boys, my husband, family & friends. I wouldn't be able to make it thru this without ya'll! Thank you!

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Kim says........ (Kim is from the Hodgkin's message board)

Loc: New York, NY
The Myth of the "Good" Cancer Patient

#292396 - 01/18/06 08:03 PM

I will preface this by saying that this is my personal point of view and not the opinion of this station . Since I seem to be having a difficult time of late relating how I feel to people who have not had cancer, I'm going to take this opportunity to squat and share here among my tribe. Maybe I'll find out I am just plain full of scat, in which case I will set aside 40 days to go alone into the desert to wrestle with God. Common sense tells us when catastrophe befalls us it's more productive to have a good attitude, to have gratitude, faith, hope, and lend a helping hand to those less fortunate. That's the ideal goal.

Sometimes despite our best efforts, we fall short of this: we complain, feel sorry for ourselves, feel alone, that we've been dealt a hand we don't deserve. We may harbor resentments for those who've disappointed us, misunderstood us, avoided us, or even deserted us. This may lead us to isolate and fall into further despair.

What I'm learning--with much difficulty and pain--is that there are no extra points for being a "good" cancer patient; that is: patient, tolerant, accepting, cheerful, uplifted, courageous, willing to overcome any odds. Because of the example set by extraordinary individuals like Lance Armstrong, we may feel we've somehow failed if we fall short of that example, like we're being graded on how we get through cancer treatment and its aftermath. Have you ever said to yourself:

• Why is it taking me so long to get better?-
• Why don't I feel happier and more motivated now that treatment is finished?-
• Maybe I'm not trying hard enough-
• Maybe I should suffer in silence so I don't worry or upset those around me; besides, they're probably sick and tired of hearing about my cancer-
• It's so petty to care about my appearance, I should just be grateful to be alive-
• It's ok that my friends don't call as much anymore, I can't expect their lives to stop just because I got sick -
• I should be strong enough to deal with this and figure this out on my own-
• Something must be wrong/defective with me-
• Why can't I snap out of this depression and my negative attitude?

All those who answered no to all of the above are excused. For anyone who answered yes to even one of the above, consider this: you are not alone. In fact, you are NORMAL. The truth is, some of us will hardly bat an eye through treatment; will train for marathons, get married, have kids, go around the world (my onc had a patient who went to HK in the middle of chemo with no repercussions). Others will quit work immediately, feel sick, depressed, like the world is closing in on them.

Unfortunately, there's a lot of shame attached to a cancer diagnosis (we become "untouchable"); we feel shame around how we conduct ourselves through cancer treatment, shame about how we recover post-treatment. We are constantly judging ourselves the way we perceive others are judging us (aren't you well YET?). We're so exhausted by the whole experience of treatment as well as managing our personal and professional lives, that it never occurs to us that what we need to do most is take kind and loving care of ourselves.

We're so busy performing damage control on our relationships (which need plenty of shoring up!) that we don't see that the most important relationship in need of repair is the one with us. My new therapist (who specializes in post cancer treatment) said that it's OK to lick your wounds after treatment--for months, if necessary. There's pressure for the patient to get back to "normal" because it's more comfortable for those who're afraid of getting cancer. But the patient is the one who suffers most and who desperately needs compassion. Like the neglected child assumes responsibility for his parent's lack of attention, the cancer patient may assume responsibility for his illness and the repercussions it has on everyone around him. We're deathly sick and we worry about the trouble we're causing for everyone around us!

This insult, added to the injury of the disease, is too much for us to bear. We crumble, little by little. The challenge is to reclaim who we are. We can start by letting ourselves off the hook and giving ourselves the compassion we so desperately need. We can give ourselves permission to take as much time as we need to regain our health and our strength, permission to weep out loud at the loss of our hair, permission to curse God for how sick we feel. We can take back our power and dignity by talking out loud and without shame or apology about our illness or why we need help. It's not our fault we got cancer and there's nothing that says we're bad or defective if we don't conduct ourselves like Mother Teresa. (Even saints have their defects.) But we can't do this alone. Finding support groups (including this board) has been a lifeline out of the abyss for me. Four months out of tx and I'm only starting to piece together a recognizable map of where I've been. I encourage anyone in need of a guide to seek help from therapist who is trained in dealing with cancer issues. The relief you get in talking to someone who "gets it" and can offer suggestions and/or solutions is priceless.

Kim

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It's never too late to be what you might have been ~ George Eliot

Sub-clavicular biopsy of node 5-16-05

Dx: 5/23/05 NSHD 1A

4 cycles AVBD 6/23/05 - 9/29/05

Neupogen 5 days post-chemo starting 7/7/05

Clean PET 7/21/05

Clean PET 10/18/05

17-month check up 2/6/07 - still in remission