Last chemo tomorrow (Hopefully ever!)

I am so nauseous today just thinking about going in tomorrow. It's strange how your mind can do that to you. I was fine yesterday. I also am starting to realize how noone really understands all of this except for other survivors who have been through this. I feel so alone sometimes, when I try to talk to my family or friends about my treatments and fears, they usually change the subject or cut me short. It's strange.

My friend, Bobby Schneider, who is also a survivor, gave me Lance Armstrong's book about his battle with cancer, it has helped me so much and I try to read a little each night. Alot of the times it's not things I want to hear though. Like last night, I read the part about radiation since mine is starting soon & I don't know much about it. Lance said that the radiation causes permanent circulatory system damage and effects your balance. Great! More damage, bring it on! By the time all this is done, I'm gonna feel like one of those wrecked cars my husband is always working on, "it's totaled but is still driveable, they'll say." ha ha!

I know I don't show it and I try to keep alot inside because I don't want to burden anyone, but sometimes I really need to talk. Cancer, chemo & radiation all are very serious and very, very terrible, awful, sickening, frightening, super traumatic things. It's not like I am just going in for surgery or something, it's much, much worse than surgery, I know, I've had 5, they are a piece of cake compared to this chemo nightmare. I have no control over my brain function half the time, I am continuously short of breath now, I can't do as much as I used to, the left side of my body is all brown stains now from the chemo chemicals eating up my insides, the portacath and wire inside my chest is always itching, pulling and aching and this 'fear of chemo syndrome' (aka anticipatory nausea) has taken over, I bawled as soon as I saw the chemo room last treatment. Luckily my good friend Rusty was with me and Dr. Browning to try to calm me down and get me settled with alot of sedatives. There is just so much yucky junk that happens to your body besides the incredible nausea and pain that you see on TV. It's all this other stuff that noone tells you about. So I am telling all of you, all the lymphoma patients I have met on the Hodgkin's message boards. I wish someone had told me all this stuff.
It's also all incredibly depressing, especially since there is no cure! I find myself always wondering if these treatments are going to work, if it does, will it come back, how many ct scans am I going to have to endure in my life, for the rest of my life. Until a cure is found, my cancer monster will always be over my shoulder. Always taunting me, never letting me forget.
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PLEASE CLICK ON THIS LINK & TURN UP YOUR SPEAKERS, THIS SAYS IT ALL.........

http://www.thesurvivormovie.com/

it's only a minute or two long.

Please send it to anyone else you know who if fighting this horrible disease!

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“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face…You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
--Eleanor Roosevelt

We are so Thankful!!!!

We want to thank everyone for the generous donations we have received for Thanksgiving! Wade's kindergarten teacher, her husband & his men's bible study group, generously brought us groceries last weekend! It was so wonderful! They even brought me a bunch of Ensure to help me get well. Thank you so much!!!

This monday, Mr. Cole's 4th grade class so generously gathered groceries and BuyLow gift cards for us for Thanksgiving! We are so grateful! I want to thank my friends Shannon & Kelly for their thoughtfulness in nominating us as a family to help this holiday season. Thank you!!!!!!

We are so blessed to know such wonderful people and to call you our friends! Thank you all so much for your kindness.
You have shown us the spirit of Thanksgiving!
We are truly THANKFUL! God Bless you all!
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Shannon said...
Hi Mallory,
You are so sweet to copy me on the wonderful e-mails that you send. The people at Scott school are truly wonderful and I am so glad to read about their generosity! What an amazing group of people! It's great that the groceries, etc. that they have provided are such a help to you and your family. You certainly deserve it!

You're an inspiration, Mallory. You really are. Cancer picked the wrong person to mess with when it picked you. You trust the Lord and you're a fighter... you will beat this and overcome it just like you have the other obstacles set before you.

I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving.

Much love,
Shannon

Very Bad Day yesterday....

My cousin, Tita, passed away this morning. I have obviously been very upset. As we have grown close in these last few months while fighting the same kind of cancer. The family is making funeral arrangements now. She will be buried in the Locklin (my mom's maiden name) Cemetary with the rest of the family we've lost. Please keep her husband & young daughter in your prayers.

I finished chemo #11 with alot of tears, fear and frustration. Dr. Browning said all my counts were very low right now, white blood cells, red blood cells, hemoglobin..... I was given a shot to try to boost my red blood cells and was also put back on antibiotics, yet again, for my super low white blood count since that makes my immune system nearly nothing.

Dr. Browning told me I have 30 rounds of radiation to look forward to!!! Every single day for 30 days I will receive radiation of my cancer infected right hip! Ugh!

Thank you everyone who has been sending words of encourgement, cards, prayers, groceries, etc. It is MOST appreciated!



Bobby Schneider said...
My Dearest Mallory, I was deeply saddened to hear about the loss of your cousin Tita. Your family has been through so much that it just tears my heart out. I'll always wonder why some people ride down lifes highway on cruise control and others have to take that winding, hilly and bumpy road. I pray for you, Mark and your family every single day just minutes after I awake. I treasure the day that we met and consider you a close friend and genuine inspiration to all. My diagnosis of stage 4 Lymphoma was 3 years ago and even though it was an up hill battle most of the time, I'm doing very well now and I'm 100% certain that you will be too just down the road. Remember that Cindy and I will always be there for you guys. Love, your friend Bobby Schneider


holly strange said...
Mallory & (Mark and boys),There are several people in Corydon praying for you. Keep your head up and keep praying. The website is a wonderful way to keep us posted. Thank you for sharing.
We love you all!!
Holly Strange

Please Pray for my cousin Tita

My cousin, Tita, also has Lymphoma. She has been battling it very hard these last few months at M. D. Anderson hospital in Houston.
I was told last night that the hospital has sent her home, theres no more they can do for her. Her husband was generous enough to charter her a plane to get her back home to Wichita Falls the quickest and most comfortable way.
We have been told she only has a matter of hours left.
Please pray for her, her husband and their young daughter.

11th chemo tomorrow

I go in for chemo #11 tomorrow. They are getting so much harder towards the end. I get so sick just thinking about going. I cry alot now, I think a little depression is kicking in. Chemo is such a devastating thing to your mind and body. Feels like your being poisoned to death slowly.

My good friend & next door neighbor, Rusty, is taking me again to my chemo treatment. I get so sick now that they have to sedate me during the few hours while the IV poison in being pumped into me. I can't drive home. Rusty is such a good friend, he's been through alot in his life medically too so I think he is very understanding of my disease. Mark said he will go with me to my last chemo. It's hard for him to go with me because he works the night shift and needs to sleep sometime and chemo treatments usually last from 9:30am to 2pm or so.

My sister-in-laws, mother-in-law and me all went away last weekend to stay in a cabin in the woods by Patoka Lake. We had such a nice time. It was just what I needed, to get away from the hubby, kids and housework, relax & not be reminded by anything of my disease. We just talked, sat in the hot tub, acted silly and laughed alot.

Sunday night on Extreme Home Makeover, they featured a family in St. Meinrad, Indiana that was so similiar to us. The wife has cancer, they have small children & a little boy who reminded me of my little boy Cody. The wife's mother also had breast cancer and survived. My mom had Lou Gehrig's disease but didn't survive, she died just 4 days after my high school graduation.



Fred said...

Mallory,
This morning when I got you email I was so happy to receive it. Thank you for taking the time to write. I have been in Taiwan almost four years and rarely hear from the old gang. Of course, I don't have all their email addresses so they don't have mine. I then went to you blog and cried. Luckily a friend of mine was here to embrace me. I am so sorry that you are going through the pain that you are and pray that it works for you. Regarding my cancer, I am living with it. I have no pain. I am doing Ren Dian, acupuncture, Qi Gong (ChiGong), and herbal medicine. I am avoiding the Western medicine. I am a bad patient and don't always follow the doctor's advice. But, I am happy and have a good attitude. That is most important. Keep the faith, honey. Pray and you will make it. I once again thank you for sending the video about "I Have Cancer, but Cancer Does Not Have Me". It has been an inspiration to me. Thank you for all your sharing and may God bless you and yours!

Yours from Taiwan,
Fred

10th chemo down, 2 more to go

I just had my 10th chemo last wednesday. It was pretty bad, I still ended up getting sick a couple times. I had the doc give me extra sedatives to knock me out, that worked for about 1 1/2 hours of it.
My good friend, Rusty, who lives next door, went with me. He kept me company during chemo and picked up Cody for me from Sandra's house, she had babysat him all day for me.
I felt awful that evening, very sick and nauseous, so Rusty even stayed and watched the boys for me while I slept on the couch. That was really nice.
I've been pretty nauseous again this time. I just keep trying to remember I'm almost done!
Doc is sending me for a pulmunary test next week to check my lungs. One of the chemicals in the chemo cocktail they give me is Bleomycin which is very damaging to the lungs, so I've got to get checked out.