Appt with Oncologist went well

Dr. Browning is running thyroid blood tests on me and then I go in for my first ever mammogram next Thursday. I'm sure all will come back fine! :)

3 years since last radiation treatment

Yep, it's been 3 years & 2 weeks since my last radiation treatment! My last PET scan in December was fine, yea! All is looking good.
Bad news is my friend Bill from Delaware passed away. The damn cancer monster took another precious, beautiful soul. He was such a nice man and didn't deserve the suffering he went through. Please pray for his wife that she may go on, feel him with her and remember all the happy memories of their lives together.
As for us, the Lowe's are as strong as ever and looking forward to a wonderful, blessed & happy new year! Hope you and yours are too! :)

PET scan came back fine! :)

My PET scan on the 15th came back negative! Yea! Happy Day, Happy Day! It always seems like a new ticket to life, every time I pass a scan now. Makes you REALLY appreciate just being able to live another 6 months and so on, you know? Of course, it always lurks in the shadows, everytime I get sick or have a new pain, etc. the first thing I think now, is, it's the cancer coming back. Doc and my other cancer friends say this is normal and unfortuneately will probably go on the rest of my life.
I want to mention a friend of mine, BILL FROM DELAWARE, he is one of my cancer friends and is undergoing his 3rd round of radiation and starting chemo AGAIN. Please include him in your prayers, he is a very nice, sweet man, who doesn't deserve this. He is getting weaker by the day and he is losing his will to fight. Please think of him and pray for him.
WHAT DOESN'T KILL US, ONLY MAKES US STRONGER!

Blood test fine- PET scan Dec 15th

Saw my oncologist last Monday, Nov. 24th. My blood test came back great. He changed my medicine around, which was good, this new one he put me on makes me feel better than the other one did. Still having the hip pain, but I think that is permanent, no biggie though, if that's all I have to deal with than yippie! :)
I go back for a PET scan monday, Dec. 15th. I will know about 2 days later how it comes out. I am feeling hopeful that all is fine!
Looking forward to Christmas. I've been stringing lights on anything that stands still! :)

PET scan on Monday

My dear friend Robert sent this message below from the 'Cancer Crusade' to me today. He is my 'long term survivor friend'. He had Lymphoma a few years ago and has been my mentor, supporter & friend since I began my own fight in the summer of 2006. As survivors, we are both members of the cancer crusade as many others are and receive monthly & weekly messages. But this message really hits the nail on the head.
It is true that you never truly understand until you have been through it yourself. It is kind of like trying to explain to a first time pregnant mom what is in store for her, you can talk & talk until your blue in the face describing it to her, but until she lives the experience herself, she will never truly understand.
I go in on Monday for yet ANOTHER PET Scan. Those of you not familiar with PET scans, they are like souped-up mega radioactive CT scans, (those of which I have had over 8 now also in the last 26 months, the last being only 3 weeks ago while I was in the Emergency Room in Gibson County Hospital) I still can't believe I am not glowing & sticking to the refridgerator yet from all these scans & xrays!! ha ha
The arch enemy of cancer is ...humor! Never lose it.

~ Mallory, 35 yr old survivor & mom of 2 in Indiana, 17 months in remission.
my story: http://livingwithhodgkins.blogspot.com/

------------Life After Cancer ------------------
A Message ofHope and HealingfromThe Cancer Crusade

The Survivor Movie has been viewed more thanone million timesin every state in the United States and in more than 80 countries around the world. Please keep it going by using the forwarding link at the end of the movie.This movie and these affirmations are our gifts to you. We hope you will share them by forwarding to everyone for whom you feel they might have meaning.
View "The Survivor Movie"here
We hope The Cancer Crusade's weekly affirmations bring you comfort, hope, healing and smiles, and that you will forward them to others for whom you feel they might have meaning. We also invite you to submit ideas for future affirmations.
~~~~~~~~~
"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace." Amelia Earhart

US aviator (1897-1937)

When I received my cancer diagnosis, what I wanted more than anything in the world was to meet, talk to and hopefully get a hug from long-term cancer survivors.One of my happiest moments during that awful time was the evening I met a woman who was a 7-year cancer survivor. She hugged me and told me I would be fine, and I believed her. Now, of course I knew in my head that all cancers are different and that, in all likelihood, she had had totally different treatments for her cancer than I had for mine, but the facts didn't matter to me right then.What mattered was that another human being who had been through pretty much the same thing I was going through - and, more importantly, someone who knew the raw terror I was experiencing - was still standing, proof that I could come out on the other side of this. She was hugging me and infusing me with her strength and her courage and her humanity. She made me believe what all of my doctors' reassurances and the nurses' encouraging words had not been able to because she spoke to my heart.But there was something she didn't tell me, something that every cancer survivor learns at some point, something I'm going to share with you now, and that is this: cancer changes our lives in many ways, and it changes our lives forever.Most of the ways are good. Nearly every cancer survivor we've ever met agrees that the "cancer experience" has given them a richer, deeper appreciation for life and pushed them to live their lives with greater joy than they ever knew before cancer.On the flip side, we cancer survivors will forever be getting those "extra special" checkups on a regular basis. We will be nervous, often scared, occasionally terrified. Some of us have to go through these examinations every few months for years, some more often and some less frequently.Many long-term survivors find that, the longer they are "out" from diagnosis, the more they run into a particular problem. The problem is this: the people who weren't around them "back then" and who have only known them with hair and rosy cheeks and bright eyes just don't get it. We have even heard from some long-term survivors that people have said to them, "You look so healthy. You must not have had a very bad kind of cancer" (Excuse me? There are good kinds?). In other cases, new and/or casual acquaintances have actually implied that a long-term survivor never really had cancer at all!For the most part, however, the simple answer to these concerns is that it is up to us to educate the public. It is up to us as survivors to teach people who might otherwise never know it that there are more than 10 million cancer survivors in this country and we walk among them every day. Our hair has grown back and our cheeks glow and our eyes sparkle. We go to work and we go to school and we get married and we have babies and we live our lives just like everyone else. The differences between us and everyone else are generally unseen (medications, medical appliances, etc.), and every now and then we have to call upon every ounce of courage we can muster and go have some scary tests to make sure everything is okay.If you find yourself in a situation where someone is implying that you couldn't have been very sick, if in fact you were ever sick at all, and that you might be a bit of a hypochondriac, remind yourself that you don't owe that person or anyone else any explanations. You don't owe anyone anything. You've paid your dues and then some. You're a survivor, a champion, a warrior, the very definition of courage and determination. And that is something no one can ever take away from you.Bless the person who suggests anything different, and move on.Dear God, Please help me move forward with my life, ever mindful that I am changed now, for the better and forever. Be with me as I lie on the examining table, undergo frightening and sometimes painful tests, and as I endure the seemingly endless wait for results. When others are less than kind about the differences between them and me, help me to remember that this is only between You and me. Give me the strength to bless them, turn away and face only You. Amen

Roger and Kathy Cawthon
The Cancer Crusade
email: cawthons@thecancercrusade.com
web: http://www.thecancercrusade.com

It is 3 years TODAY since Mark's accident

Can you believe 3 years ago today, Mark was in the emergency room at St. Mary's, Dr. Burry was working very hard to save Mark's life.

Dr. Burry came out to tell me & the family that Mark had slim chances on living past two weeks from the severity of his injuries. With his lung collapsed, the other one full of blood, all is ribs on his right side broken, his liver lacerated in 3 places, his eye socket broken, his jaw completely broken in two laying on his chest.... You can read more on Mark's accident site.

You wouldn't even believe it to look at him today! Just like the Doctor's said, it was a "Miracle." Thank God for every day we have, make the most of it. Don't dwell on the negative but look towards the positive in everything & everyone. Life is a gift, we never know what day will be our last.

The boys are doing so much better...

As most of you know, the boys have really been through alot in these past two years & have seen alot of suffering, stress, and very serious grown-up situations that little boys shouldn't have to deal with.
Cody went with me to almost every one of my chemotherapies. Wade helped me alot when I was sick, and they both saw the awful condition their Daddy was in after his car accident a couple years ago.
I can't imagine what was going through their little minds through all of this. Seeing the family in tears, all the doctors, living in the hospital for over a month straight. But I think they have done miraculously well considering.
Cody has had some behavioral problems in school but I have taken him to therapy & Wade saw the counselor at his school on a regular basis while I was going through cancer treatments last year. Both boys have improved alot, the therapist & their doctor says it is normal for such young children to have some post traumatic stress & some depression from experiencing these kind of scary events that happened to their parents, but that they should make an almost full recovery.
And I believe they have, I am so proud of them!
Cody went to a birthday party today for a friend of his at school. He had a great time & it was nice for me to be able to get out of the house for a change & have some 'adult' conversation. :) All the parents at his school are so nice & friendly, I really enjoy talking with them. We are lucky to live in such a great community. I just wish we could afford to keep sending Cody to his school, Trinity Lutheran, next year, but I am afraid as long as we keep getting buried in medical bills, Cody will have to go to public school next year for kindergarten. But that will be ok, Wade & Cody can ride the bus together then & they will go to the same school. They will like that! :) We are blessed.

Mark & the boys all went with me...

to my oncology appointment to see Dr. Browning yesterday. It was so nice of Mark to take off work early just to go with me. Dr. Browning explained the PET scan results to us, said it all looked good. I am 15 months out of chemo & 14 months out of radiation treatment now and he said that teh first 24 months are the riskiest time for the cancer to come back. He said if I can make it through another 12 months, then he will declare me cured! So let's hope the next 12 months of scans all come back clear too.
I am still having intestinal problems & pain on a daily basis, so he is sending me for another colonoscopy on wednesday (if I can find someone to run my daycare that day). He said the PET scan only shows the outside, not the inside of my intestines, so he wants to make sure the insides are clear of cancer now too.
Dr. Browning said the intestinal problems could also be neuropathy related from the chemo, which as we know, ABVD chemo can cause some neuro problems. As most of you know I still struggle with memory issues.
But all else is fine & I am doing great compared to a year ago! :)
My hair is almost 6" long now & looks normal again, it's so nice not to be starred at when I go out in public anymore from being bald. :)

Scan was clear!

The oncologists office called, the results of the PET scan showed no evidence of cancer!

Thank God! Happy Day! Happy Day! :)

PET scan in the morning...

Yes, I am a nervous wreck! I just can't help it you know?
I go in at 7:30am to St. Mary's. I am glad it is St. Mary's this time. Since Mark was laid off at Toyota, we had to go on COBRA insurance and it only covered me at Deaconess. Deaconess is ok but they don't have a PET scan machine. They have to bring in a mobile unit and park in the parking lot and do it there. Not near as comfortable you know?
Anyway, just glad to be going back to St. Mary's. We love St. Mary's of course, that is who saved Mark's life after his auto accident, that is the hospital that wrote off over $200,000 in medical bills for us so we wouldn't have to file bankruptcy, it is the hospital that saved my life with my surgeries, chemo & radiation and it is the hospital that saved Wade when his heartbeat dropped after 34 hours of labor with him & they performed an emergency C-sectioned that saved his life & brought him back to health in the NICU for 3 days after birth when his blood sugar levels were so dangerously high. St. Mary's has saved all of our lives, isn't that something?
.
I will be so worried until I find out the results of course, which probably won't be until Tuesday or Wednesday.
I meet with my oncologist, Dr. Browning next Monday to go over the results and have my bloodwork done.
I wonder if it will ever get easier. The worrying makes you crazy! It's like the fear of the cancer monster returning is always lurking over my shoulder. Every twinge, every ache, every pain, I think, is it the cancer? Is is growing, is it spreading? It is enough to make a person crazy. You just have to keep busy & keep your mind off of it. It was one of the best decisions I made when I took this clerk-treasurer job. Yes, it takes up way too many hours of my life, but on the other hand, it keeps my mind off of the bad stuff. You know?
.
It has been 10 months now since Dr. Browning declared me in remission.

Dr. Browning said when we get past the 2 year mark, then we can exhale and relax a little. He said if the cancer is going to come back it usually always comes back within the first 24 months.
So let's hope all is well on this go around! :) Let's pray that it is, oh God PLEASE, let it be ok.
I am just now getting my hair back again, my jobs are going well, we are getting caught up on the medical bills and the boys are doing good in school.

Please God, let the scans show that I am cancer-free.

Farewell Fred

Another friend of mine has lost his battle with cancer. Fred was a good friend and a previous co-worker with me at Action Pest Control. He moved to Taiwan a few years ago. He has been battling cancer for awhile now and it finally got the best of him.
He was a good friend.
You'll see towards the bottom of my blog he posted many inspirational comments on my journal to help me fight the battle.
He knew, he understood and he cared.
Farewell Fred, you will be deeply missed.

PET scan results FINE! :)

Doctor's office called and said results looked fine.
No active signs of cancer found!!!!

Yea!!! HAPPY DAY HAPPY DAY HAPPY DAY

THANK YOU GOD (AGAIN)

Had another PET scan yesterday

PET scan time again. I went into Deaconess yesterday for 3 hours getting the scan done while they injected me, again, with radioactive material. Not too many more of these and I should start glowing! I want to thank my sister-in-law Sandra for coming over and running my daycare while I was gone. I had a full house of daycare kids Friday and she did great, the kids loved her! It was the hardest time of the day too, lunch time! :) Thanks Sandra.
I do these PET scans every 3 months for the next 3 years and then every 6 months after that for the rest of my life says my oncologist, a.k.a life saver. I won't find out until next week what the results are. Please help me pray that all is clear!

All is going well for the most part. My jobs keep me very busy, but it is well worth it, Mark & I are caught up now on the bills, even though new medical bills come in almost everyday (like the PET scan, it's over $5000 every time) thankfully COBRA is covering most of it and then the Hospitals have been so gracious in working with us to cover anything that is left to pay after COBRA.
COBRA is VERY expensive and we hopefully only have about 1-2 more months to pay it until Mark's insurance at work will kick in.
Right now is very scary because Mark & the boys have NO health insurance. When Mark lost his job from Toyota a few months ago, that left us with no insurance. COBRA was going to be over $1500 a month for all four of us, and of course we didn't have the money to cover that, especially since Mark was out of work. We tried to get help from the State for Hoosier Healthwise to at least cover Wade & Cody, but they denied us coverage since I was working! Isn't the system messed up? If I was lazy and didn't work we could have free health insurance, free groceries & help with utility bills they said. But since, I'm not lazy and work all the time, we can't receive any help during times of crisis. It is very disheartening.
Anyway, enough of that, we just need to make it through a few more weeks without any medical problems.
Mark has been having some very bad chest pains lately. So bad that he could barely make it home the other night. He laid in bed with crushing pain that he asked me for some of my pain meds, he felt so bad. And if you know Mark, it has to be pretty bad before he will take any medicine.
I urged him to go to MEC but he swore it was fine. Now it is 3 days later and the pain has gotten much less and he is working but I still worry what has caused it. He still has occasional deep chest pains ever since his car accident.
Doctor said he would be prone to blood clots from the severe trauma his chest & lungs took when they were crushed.
Overall he is doing great though considering.
Hope everyone is getting ready for Thanksgiving.
This year we have A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR!

Moving on

Well, it's been 8 months since my last chemo and 7 months since my last radiation. My hair is growing back and looks normal again, I am feeling good and have energy and strength again. Things are really looking up and we are moving on! :)

I am enjoying my jobs very much. They also keep me SUPER busy though.

 
Just last week, I logged 18 hours doing my clerk-treasurer job, 27 doing my utility clerk job plus my regular 46 hours of childcare. Most of these hours overlap, except alot of the town work I tend to do in the evenings after everyone goes to bed, it is quiet then so I can concentrate. :)

 
I think jumping right into work with both feet is what has really helped me overcome everything. 

 Plus we needed the extra money since Mark had gotten his permanent lay off notice from Toyota this spring. He is doing much better though. He went back into the bodyshop business and is so much happier. I really thank God and hope things continue to improve. I am SO grateful for what we have!  We are still alive, we have a roof over our heads and a little bit of food on the table.  Hard work & determination. 

Well, 6 hours ago, I finally said goodbye and good riddance to my cancer! The awful chemo port was removed from my chest this afternoon. It was scary and very painful at first but fine after the numbing shots kicked in.
My neighbors came to my rescue. My wonderful neighbor, Amanda Loughran, took off work early today just to be home to get Wade when he got off the bus from school while I was at the hospital. Then, my good friend Rusty (Amanda's son) drove me and Cody to Deaconess Hospital today to be my support and take pictures for my website for me. They are the best neighbors & friends!

I am glad it's all over with. I hope I never have to go through this again or anyone else. The whole cancer deal, surgeries, chemo, radiation, all of it is even much worse than you think it is. God Bless anyone who is going thru it now. That is why I decided to document everything because when I started this journey, there wasn't much out there to give me comfort or prepare me for what was ahead. So I hope these pictures and my cancer journal can help someone else dealing with the cancer monster.

Cancer can go to hell!

I am getting Deported Aug. 20th!!!!

Yep, you heard it right! De-ported! I will have my port-a-Cath taken out of my chest on Monday, August 20th! So, you know what that means............

I am cancer free !!!!!!!!!!!

In case you don't know, that is always a huge moment for cancer patients; when the surgeon finally takes out your port, that means they consider you in remission & cancer free! Goodbye port, it is such an eyesore, very itchy, pokes out a good 1/2 inch, hurts wearing a seat belt because it rubs on it, people stare at it and its just miserable, so goodbye and good riddance! :)

Praise the Lord! I prayed so hard my eyes were sore from closing them so tight & straining.

I met with Dr. Browning to get the results of my PET scan yesterday and it showed NO EVIDENCE of abnormalities or cancerous cells. Even the spot in my right hip that lit up to a 13 in March and gave everyone, including me, such a scare, has disappeared! Isn't that awesome.

Doctor says I can officially get on with my life now, the dark cloud is gone and the cancer monster is not on my shoulder anymore! Hallelujah! Thank God, Thank God, Thank God for everything in my life, I am extremely relieved and feel like a new person.

I can finally make plans for my future, knowing that I will most likely have a future now! I am so grateful to God that I have a beautiful, wonderful, life to live. I don't take anything for granted and I am ready to move on and make plans, knowing that I finally can. No more chemo monster, no more 'not knowing', no more chemo crap! Cancer can just suck my big chemo bag and die! Yep, that's how I feel.

LIFE----- HERE I COME!

PET scan this friday, Aug. 3rd :(

I gave in and decided to get the PET scan over with. I don't want to wait until I'm a stage 2 or 3 again. So I am going in friday morning. PET scans are very intense and take about 2 - 2 1/2 hours. I am having my sister-in-law, Sandra care for the kids while I'm gone.
I won't know anything until Monday the 6th when I meet with Dr. Browning at St. Mary's Cancer Center. I'm trying to stay positive, but I know something is wrong. My right hip continues to increasingly ache, my night sweats have started and my fatigue level is increasing once again.
Please God, don't let me have to go thru Chemo again!

The next chemo will be much worse, they call it salvage chemo, it will be MOPP chemo which is super, super bad. One of my online friends who has been thru MOPP chemo says it feels like a dose of DRANO & BATTERY ACID! UGH!
Anyway, I'm trying to keep my hopes up. I love my new job as town clerk and don't want to lose it. At least, if I have to do chemo again, I can probably still keep up with my job since I do it from home. I just worry about being able to watch the kiddos. It was almost impossible last time, Mark & my family had to help alot.
Please help me pray that all will go well & I will receive good news on monday. Thank you to all my friends & family for supporting me, praying for me and helping me through all of these hardships. Love, Mallory

Haven't posted in awhile, been so busy :)

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile. I think I am a little in denial. As you know from my previous scans and trip to Indy Cancer Center, I have activity in my right hip bone now. I am due for another scan to see how much it has spread. Just don't wanna go!
I haven't heard from my local oncologist, Dr. Browning, and I haven't made much of an effort to contact him to schedule the scan because, well.... I just don't want to hear what they are going to say.
Things are going pretty well in our lives now and I want it to stay that way. The pain in my hip continues to worsen. I am taking pain medicine on a regular basis now to deal with it. My fatigue levels are starting to increase once again. The good news is my hives have finally dissappeared for the moment.
I am staying very busy with my careers. My daycare is going well, I just took all the kiddos to the Children's Museum yesterday and we had a blast! My Clerk-Treasurer job is still keeping me busy, it has become easier now that I have been doing it a few months. It is alot of hard work & a bit stressful, but I enjoy it.

My newest job is Utility Clerk for Darmstadt, I was just hired into that position 3 weeks ago. We moved all the equipment into my house and have it all set up. It is going well so far. I really like talking to the residents when they call & solving problems. There are so many nice people in our town. Most of them have told me how happy they are I've taken this position. I've received many compliments on my work, how I stay on top of things and get things solved right away, so that makes me feel great! I've even received many thank yous from the residents.

Between my 3 jobs, the kids, the house, the cancer, the medical bills, planning Mark's 40th birthday party, both boys starting school in 3 weeks & trying to keep up with the yard work, I stay pretty busy now. Whew!

Mark likes his new job, he had lost his job at Toyota a few months ago. We struggled (again) for a couple months on unemployment until he decided to go back into the auto body business. A couple of the local body shops called him when they heard he was available. He has such a great reputation in town as being the best, and they knew it and wanted him. So that made Mark feel really good that the body shops were fighting over him!
Anyway, he chose the D-Patrick East side body shop. They treat him very well there. They have good pay, good insurance & benefits so Mark likes it. He is already 'top dog' there in the shop. He also still continues to do body work at home too. I bet he has about 2 cars each weekend he does outside in his garage. Everyone knows he's the best and they can usually save their deductible by having him fix them. So that's good.

Today is my little sister's 28th Birthday! Happy Birthday Sterling! I love you! Mark, my hubby, will be 40 on August 30th, I am planning a party for him on August 18th! I will be sending invites out soon. I want all our friends & family to attend, so if I don't have your address, please email it to me! :)
I'll post again when I hear some news from the doctors. God Bless everyone, hope your all having a fantastic summer! :)

Indiana University Cancer Center

Our trip to Indianapolis Cancer Center yesterday to meet Dr. Robertson, a lymphoma specialists went well. He was very attentive, listened and gave it to us straight. We liked him alot.
However, the bad news is he didn't have many answers for us. First of all he says, less than 1% of all people diagnosed with cancer have Hodgkin's, then of those few people, only about 3% have Hodgkin's cancer in their abdomen, then of those it is unheard of to see it spread into the bone. Dr. Robertson said I am the only case he has ever seen to have broken out in hives.
So, since I have a very rare case of cancer, he said they have no other previous studies to compare me to. His suggestion was to have yet another biopsy on my right hip. This would be the 3rd this year. He wants a full open surgery where they slice my leg wide open so they can fully see what is going on in there. The orthopedic surgeon who took the last 4 bone core samples out of my hip during surgery last month, said there is no way my hip could withstand anymore coring.
So, our only other option is to 'wait & see.' He said we could wait another 8 weeks or so and have another PET scan & CT scan done to see if the hip area is still lighting up with abnormalities like it is now and see if it gets worse. The only bad thing he said with that is, if it is active cancer in my hip it will continue to spread during the waiting time, putting me at greater risk of being a more advanced stage when properly diagnosed.
Dr. Robertson is going to speak with my local oncologist, Dr. Browning today and discuss what they think should be done. Mark & I said, we would rather chose the 'wait & see' option if they think that is acceptable.
I will hear from Dr. Browning on their discussions today or tomorrow.
I want to thank my sister-in-law, Sandra for watching our boys for us all day yesterday while Mark & I were in Indianapolis. Thanks.

-----------------------------
slskenyon said...
"Wait and see" can be extraordinarily difficult when it comes to health. I must say that I have been captivated by your photo collage--I watched it long after I finished reading the post. You have had quite a journey, and you have a wonderful family.

from, skskenyon
6:25 PM

One year anniversary of my Cancer diagnosis

Memorial Day weekend last year, I was in the hospital undergoing surgery to supposedly remove a benign tumor in my abdomen.
As I awoke from the anesthesia, I was given the bad news that the doctor had been mistaken, it was cancer.

It's been a very, very rough year, for not only me but also my husband & sons.
In the last 12 months I've been through:

• 4 surgeries (8 in my life so far)
• 12 horrible, horrible ABVD chemo treatments
• 13 radiation treatments
• 8 CT scans
• 3 PET scans
• 23 X-rays
• tons of excruciating pain
• one trip to the emergency room
• 3 hospitalizations
• Over 68 needle pokes
• lots of puking
• hair loss
• covered in scars
• and buried in medical bills .......but I'm still here!

I'm stronger, wiser, tougher, my faith is renewed, my friendships are deeper and my heart is overflowing with love, gratitude and thankfulness!

If I hadn't learned to fight and stay positive, I would have given up a long time ago and probably wouldn't be here now.

Faith, Love & Positive thinking can overcome most anything!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Fred Walter said...
Mallory,

Good to see your post! I kept looking for one. Congratulations on another year. It is kind of strange to say that, or for some people it is. But, I know what you are talking about. I thank God every day for a new day and a chance to carry on. Faith, Love and Positive Thinking can truly overcome most everything. Some of my students think that money is most important. Others say that health is. I say "Love and friendship" are the most important. Love and friendship will get you through times with no money and poor health.

In these areas, Love and Friendship, you are blessed. And with these you have Faith. My second anniversary is coming in July. Can't recall the exact date. Still carrying on in Taiwan.

Your friend across the ocean in a little country called Taiwan, Fred
9:00 PM

Oncologist sending me to Indianapolis

We have had a very busy week! My dad's wedding was last Saturday, it went well and everyone had a good time. We especially loved visiting with our family who came in from Delaware & Ohio to stay with Mark & I for a few days.

Dr. Browning, my oncologist, is still not satisfied with my open biopsy results. The report stated that there were no signs of cancer, only benign lymphoma cells. The orthopedic surgeon who performed the surgery told us that my hip is very fragile and that I should be careful not to fall, put much weight on it or climb ladders ever again to keep it from fracturing.

The oncologist said I am too young to be having such degeneration in my hip and he wants to send me to Indianapolis Medical Center to be examined by a lymphoma specialists. My appt is June 11th (Me & Mark's anniversary, doesn't sound like a very romantic day, does it?).

Mark's last day of work is this friday. I think we will be ok. The Toyota employees who have lost their jobs will be able to receive unemployment until they can find a new job they said. It won't be much but will at least buy groceries.

We've received a lot of support from our family who were here visiting and they have been very generous in donating some funds to get us through the next couple months.

I've started my 2nd job as the Clerk-Treasurer for the town of Darmstadt. It's a job I can do from home, mostly in the evenings. Between the daycare during the day and the Clerk-Treasurer job in the evenings, I'll be busy, but it's worth it.

We have to do what we can to make ends meet right now. I enjoy both my jobs so that's good. I still get to be home with my little boys and that's the most important thing to me. (the baby in this picture is my precious daycare baby, Edan)

I have faith, I know things will work out for us, with the help of our wonderful family, friends and God!

HOME FROM HOSPITAL

The surgery went ok. I'm sore but not as bad as I thought I would be so that is a blessing! Dr. Spohr put me under anesthesia, had a tube down my throat and put me on a special hip fracture table where my right leg could be elevated and I could be on my side when Dr. Gary Moore, my orthopedic surgeon, drilled into my femur & trochanter. Here's an xray he gave me when he had the rod in my bone.

I have stitches that will come out next week and alot of bruising but other than that it's ok. No big deal compared to the pain I've been thru before. :)

Here's some pictures of my 'sexy leg' ha ha. This whole cancer deal is just one ugly makeover after another. Won't I be attractive this summer in shorts! :)

I won't know the results until thursday when I meet with my oncologist, Dr. Browning.

Thanks for everyone's concern, emails & cards, I really appreciate it so much. I need all the encouragement I can get right now!

Mark lost his job, Toyota laying off 370 workers!!!!!

It's official. We knew it was coming, there had been rumors for weeks that another big layoff was in the works at Mark's job, but we had no idea it was THIS BIG! I'm sure many of you have seen it on the news and it was on the front page of the paper today that Toyota is getting rid of it's entire variable workforce of 370 people.
Mark said they will be getting rid of the people by department and that his will be one of the first. Mark was told his last day will be May 11th.
My surgery is next week, so at least we will still have health insurance for that. I'll be in Deaconess Hospital monday & tuesday.

MY GOD! I think I'm starting to break! Everyone always asks me how I've managed to hold myself together thru Mark's near death accident, over a month in ICU, the quarter million in medical bills, my current struggle with cancer, surgery, chemo, radiation, trying to take care of the kids, doing daycare to help pay the bills and now Mark losing his job and us losing our health insurance!
I think I've finally hit my breaking point.......

Pre-Testing for surgery today

I meet with Dr. Moore today, my orthopaedic surgeon. He is going to perform my open biopsy surgery next monday at Deaconess. My biopsy the week before last showed no definate signs of cancer, which was great news!

But the doctors are now saying that they still haven't solved the problem of what is going on in my hip. All the scans and previous biopsy show some abnormality & activity, but they don't know what it is yet. Dr. Browning, my oncologist, wants proof that it isn't cancer, just to be on the safe side.

So I'm back in surgery again! This will be regular surgery where they knock me out, the last biopsy I was awake the whole time & it wasn't a big deal compared to all my other surgeries.
Hopefully the surgery next monday will give proof that I have no active cancer! Hopefully, whatever is wrong with my hip is just some side effect of the radiation or something.
Let's keep our hopes up! :)

Biopsy last friday

Hi friends & family, my home computer needed repair & upgraded so I put it in the shop on thursday and has been in since then. I just now got it back, so that's why I've been unable to email or update these last few days.
Last friday was my biopsy. I was told this would be a biopsy where I'd be asleep & they would take sufficient samples from my femur bone & surrounding tissue. When I went in friday, the doctor told me I'd be awake the whole time. It was called a 'skinny needle biopsy'. But there was nothing skinny about the straw sized T handled tool he used to drill down thru the top of my thigh into my femur on my right hip area. I could feel the pressure as the tool popped thru my layers of flesh on the way to my bone, yuck. Very painful in the beginning until the 3 numbing shots started to take effect. This was done on the Ct scanner platform so they could keep running me back and forth into the scanner while the big T handle was poking out of me, so the doctor could see inside my hip where he should be aiming.
Anyway, after all that, I was told no results until the following monday. So we went all weekend worrying. On monday, Mark, me and the boys all went to Dr. Browning's office together to hear the news. Well, still no more answers. The biopsy shows some 'lymphicite filtration' in the right trochanter (thats the bone under the hip, top of femur where all my trouble is). It also showed a small blood clot. These things weren't too serious but were of some concern to the doctor.
The main thing he said is there is definately some activity in my trochanter and the biopsy failed to prove wether it is or is not cancer. It's more likely that its not cancer he said, but they want proof.

Dr. Browning, my oncologist, sent me back to my radiation doctor, Mr. Miller for another opinion. So me, Mark & the boys headed across town to meet with him. He was concerned also. He reviewed all the tests, scans and biopsy and agrees with what Dr. Browning had said. They both also spoke with my Orthopedic Doctor, Mr. Moore and have all decided I need an "Open Biopsy."
An open biopsy is what I thought I was getting friday. It will be regular surgery in an operation room under anesthia (spelling?). The Doctor will make a larger incision than he did friday and retrieve larger fragments of my bone, bone marrow & tissue, in and around my trochanter.
I don't really understand how a larger piece is going to make a difference.
Anyway, the nurse called yesterday wanting to schedule surgery for next tuesday. I just told her I'd like to wait and think about it a couple days.
This is all so very frustrating for me and Mark. In the last couple weeks, I've had 2 ct scans, a PET scan (which took 5 hours), an MRI (which took 4 hours), 2 xrays, bloodwork done, urine tests and a biopsy with STILL NO definate ANSWERS??!!!!

The only good news is that my little baby Edan started daycare this week, I have him tues-fri. I was also hired as the new Clerk-Treasurer for the town of Darmstadt this week. They congratulated me after the town board meeting last tuesday evening, that I got the job! It's a job I can do from home. I am trying to help bring in enough income to cover us when Mark gets laid off.
I sure hope my health stays stable so I can keep these jobs.

I must be the definition of flexibility

Changes again ... Well, I was calling yesterday to double check on my surgery and insurance coverage and it's a good thing I did.

Come to find out, our insurance is the same company but they changed our in-network providers from Sagamore to Indiana Health Network as of April 1st (last week). Which I knew about and had already checked that my oncologist, Dr. Browning was still in-network for me and he is.

BUT, St. Mary's hospital is NOT!!!!! UGH! What awful news. So from now on, I have to go to Deaconess, which I have never been there for any treatment and Mark's Dad died there, so its just not a comfortable place for us.
Anyway, guess we'll have to get use to it, no other choice. Just be glad we have insurance, right?! :)

So, the surgery is CANCELLED for today and is now scheduled for friday at Deaconess! Which also messed up my daycare schedule for the girls I watch on friday. I felt so bad to have to call their mom and mess up her plans also on friday.

I'll post the results of my surgery as soon as I can. They should be able to tell me the same day if it's the cancer again that's eating up my hip or something else.

Back to St. Mary's for Biopsy Tuesday

After meeting with my oncologist monday, he sent me to the orthopedic doc tuesday. They both are concerned about the scan & xray results. They have talked and decided to send me for a trochanter biopsy.
I go into the hospital for surgery this Tuesday.

Met with Dr. Browning

Dad took me today to see Dr. Browning (Mark was at work). Doc says the Mri & scan results definately show a questionable abnormality in my right hip. He says from what he sees he can still not determine if it's the cancer again or not at this time.
My hip is becoming increasly more sore. Doc is sending me to an orthopedic specialist to examine my hip bone, review the scans and then probably also schedule a biopsy at the hospital in the next few days.
It is so frustrating not knowing. I am stressing out, losing sleep & just generally worried like crazy. It seems like it takes forever for a diagnosis. Hopefully we will know more soon. I will keep everyone posted. Thanks for everyones concern & support.

2 YEARS AGO TODAY....

Two years ago today, March 31st, I got the heartbreaking call that Mark had been in a horrible automobile accident on his way to work that morning.

Doctors said they weren't sure if he would live. He had many surgeries, was in ICU for a MONTH and struggled for months in rehabilitation & physical therapy.

Well, today he is at his first fishing tournament of the year with his Bassmasters Club at Lake Malone and having a great time on this beautiful day.

My Mom always said.... "when God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window".

 All we can do is just keep pushing on.

Good news & Bad news....

GOOD NEWS....We officially have clean water as of today!! It's been 4 years of this dirty brown well water you see in this picture of my bathroom sink. We've had to brush our teeth, bathe & do laundry in this nasty water, but NO MORE!

Today, Amy & Tim Spurling, sent their best guys from Spurling properties to run the water lines from the meter into our house. We have clean water now coming from the faucets! What a huge blessing! We want to sincerely thank Scott Elementary School PTA, Mrs. Janie Thomas, Kelly Vincent, Shannon Curtis, Tim & Amy Spurling and everyone else who had a hand in helping us get clean water!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

BAD NEWS....now, the bad news. I had a PET scan, CT scan & MRI all done this week. The results are not good. The doctor says there is 'activity and questionable abnormalities' again in my right hip area. This is bad.

My Dad & I are meeting with Dr. Browning monday to see what the next steps will be. I am praying to God, that I won't have to start chemo again already. It's only been about 3 months, whew! I thought I was just getting back on my feet again. Please help me pray it's not the cancer coming back already, Please God!

Not again ???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!....

The results of the PET & CT scan show signs of activity in my right hip again. Dr. Browning's nurse said, however, that the results are inconclusive, so they have decided to send me for more tests. I go back to the hospital tomorrow for an MRI. Hopefully, we will know something soon.

Please God, don't let it be the cancer coming back already. It's only been a few WEEKS. I don't know what to say, I think I'm still numb.

PET scan today

Had another PET & CT scan done this morning at St. Mary's hospital. Glad it's over with. The PET scan alone, takes 1 1/2 hours. They inject me with a radioactive tracer substance that is in a scary looking, metal, incapsulated syringe. It has to circulate thru my body for 45 minutes before they can take the scan. The pet scan lasts about 30 minutes. The ct scan was much shorter.
Anyway, I should know the results tomorrow. Naturally I'm a bit scared, but overall I think it will be good news. I sure hope so anyway.

It's been 8 weeks since my last ct scan, 11 weeks since my last radiation & 14 weeks since chemo.
Please help me pray that it's good news tomorrow. 
.

Great time at Concert last night!

Mark & I went to see comedian Wayne Brady and country singers Big & Rich last night at Robert's Stadium. It was the annual concert hosted by Toyota for all it's employees. The place was packed and we had a great time. Wayne Brady was the best!!! He is SO clever & hilarious!
He was awesome, had the whole place rolling!



We dressed the part for a 'country concert' and had on our cowboy hats. I also wore my wig after I had tried on my cowboy hat earlier without a wig and realized I looked more like Mark's brother than his wife!!! ha ha

We had so much fun!

Beautiful Day

It's a beautiful day today. My little daycare girls are here today and all the kids are having a great time playing outside on the swings!
I'm so glad things are getting better all the time for us. I love being with the kids, they are so much fun.
Tim Spurling came to visit yesterday, he's the nice man who's son is friends with Wade in kindergarten, he owns Spurling properties & has offered to get the water ran from the meter in the front yard, into our house, isn't that wonderful?! Him and his wife, Amy are such nice, generous people.
We also got a letter yesterday from St. Mary's Hospital, they said based on our income, that we qualified for financial aid and that they have wrote off our bill so far this year! Isn't that great?! We were getting worried, even after the insurance paid, we still owed a couple thousand, so they wrote it off, we are truly blessed!

Feeling Great!

I am feeling great finally! 

My memory & anxiety continues to slowly improve. My hair is coming in nicely. I've been laying low, mostly just working around the house & doing things with the kids. 

It's been good for my soul.

A little quiet time just getting caught up on things & getting ready for spring. My body doesn't quite keep up with me like it used to, but I guess that's to be expected. 

I'm just grateful to feel normal again! The boys & I spent alot of time at the playground today playing in the sand & making friends, it was a beautiful day!

Clean city water being installed today...

Today, the water department has started to run the water line extension to our property. They said they will be finished tomorrow and we will have a meter in our front yard! Yea!
Then we just need to run the water from the meter into our home. I think the Spurlings, parents from Wade's school, offered to help us with that, so that will be nice. It's been 4 years of dirty, bacteria, well water. We can't wait to take a bath & brush our teeth in clean water! :) Thank you Scott Elementary School PTA!

Biopsy results are negative, no new cancer!

What a relief!!! The biopsy results were negative for any Lymphoma cells! Yea!! Dr. Hudson (dermatologist who took the biopsy) says more than likely I am just having a skin reaction to the dead cancer cells & chemo. Biopsy said it is a hive-like rash, it could last awhile he says, but I told him as long as it's not cancer, I can learn to live with it. Just so happy to hear it wasn't the cancer coming back!!! Thank you God!!!

Waiting for Biopsy results

The doctor took a biopsy out of the top of my hand last week where my rash was most active at the time. I won't get the results back until monday. Of course, we are all worried it's the cancer coming back but I try to stay positive.
-------------------------------------------------------

Hi Mal,
I love your blog!!!
It's fantastic to read, especially for those of us who've gone through treatment and suffered from the physical, mental, and emotional toll that comes with a cancer diagnosis.
I will hold your health in the most positive light and hope that the biopsy comes back negatory :-)

Best,
Kim (Izzydoesit from the HD forum)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Mal,
just wanted you to know that I still think of you every sigle day. I've been wanting to stop by for another visit but Cindy has had such a terrible cold for the last couple of weeks and we didn't want to spread it around. I'll pray Monday that you get good results. Sarah Mclachlan's song Angel means so much to me!!! I use to listen to it over and over during my battle and it gave me so much comfort. Music is such a wonderful thing, I'd be lost without it. Thanks for being such an inspiration to me and so many other's in our Cancer family. Remember I'm only a few month's from 3 years in remission from stage 4 Lymphoma. I still feel that it picked the wrong guy to try to beat. You'll always have support here.

Love, Hope and Inspiration.
Bobby S

--Posted by Bobby Schneider to Mallory's Journal at 2/18/2007 08:08:52 PM

Still Struggling...

Everyone always asks me, how I have made it thru all these terrible things in my life, how I've mangaged to hold myself together thru such tragedies. I never really know what to say.
Like many other people who have gone thru so many awful struggles, I just try to put a smile on my face & nod my head. But on the inside is a different story. I haven't made it thru without alot of damage.

Every morning I wake up, I see the damage on the outside of my body, all my missing hair, the 22lbs I've gained from chemo steroids, the chemo chemical scars on my torso & arms, the portacath sticking out of my chest, the surgery scars on my abdomen & chest, the rash that is now on my torso, neck & hands and I don't recognize the person in the mirror anymore. But I try to remember that I'm still alive and the outside of me will hopefully get better, my hair will grow back, I'll hopefully lose the weight, the portacath will hopefully come out this year, but the scars... will always be a painful reminder.

Just like the scars I carry on the inside. Only my doctor & closest friends know the mental struggles I've been facing, which seem to be getting worse instead of better. Since the chemo & radiation, I have lost much of my short term memory, my abilites to comprehend, concentrate, figure simple math, etc. have diminished. On top of this, understandably, is alot of depression & anxiety. I feel like I should have the right to feel sad & scared sometimes without having to feel guilty about it. It's hard to keep the tears bottled up ALL the time & a smile on my face for the sake of everyone around me.

I met with Dr. Browning again yesterday, he is so awesome, he really listens to me and works hard at finding solutions for my disease. He seems to think my anxiety & rash may be related. He gave me medicine for GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) & depression. He said it's no wonder with all I've been thru these the last 2 years. He's also worried the rash could be cancer related and wants me to have a biopsy done. Ugh! Just when I thought things were getting better & back to normal.

The only thing that brings me joy is being around children. We had a sleepover saturday night with all the boys. My nephews, Jack 13 & Jeremiah 8 months, came over to spend the night with Wade & Cody. I took the boys to the new Evansville Children's museum (again), they loved it! Then we came home made milkshakes & sundaes & pitched a tent in the living room to camp out in. The boys played and watched movies while I rocked little baby Jeremiah to sleep by the cozy fire. It was a wonderful evening with the kids. I just love children, they are so sweet, loving, happy & funny to be around, I guess that's what keeps me going, they make me forget all the harsh realities in life for a little while.

___________________________________________________

Insight from Ann on the Luekemia & Lymphoma message board, I can particularly relate to right now in my early post-treatment days:

Once in a while I read something that really rings true for me. I don't always feel that I can put my feeling in words but something I read recently, strikes a cord. It was an article in the New York Times Magazine written by a cancer survivor, Jenny Allen.(Feb. 4th,pg 88)

She stated, I am doing my best these days to stick to the script in which the cancer patient "bounces back" after successful treatment-not only bounces back but is returned to her family and friends in an improved version, a person flooded with gratitude and a refreshed love for life- but am not doing so with much conviction. I have learned that just as you are beginning to realize you have had this dreadful disease, everyone else is starting to forget it. It is like arriving at the end of an awful trip, craving the embrace of your loved ones and finding that they have all gone somewhere else.
http://ubb-lls.leukemia-lymphoma.org/ubb/Forum11/HTML/000283.html

I have had tremendous support from family and friends but really did feel very alone and scared when the treatment stopped. This board has been very helpful in finding other people going through the same thing.
Thanks!
Ann

Doing better

I'm so happy to be feeling 'normal' again! What a wonderful feeling. I am still fighting the rash but it's gotten better, still slowly spreading, mostly on my hands now, but not quite as fierce, thank goodness.
I met with Dr. Miller, my radiation doctor today and he said all looks good, he said I am cancer-free 'at the moment' and he keeps trying to tell me how things can change overnight and not to get my hopes up too much, but I still can't help but be HAPPY!

Mark's mom is still sore but doing much better since her accident. Mark has been working hard trying to get her a new car so she can get to work. He's such a good son. I hope my sons are that good to me when I'm older.

Mark's Mom in car accident...

Mark's mom was in a car accident last night, a lady pulled out and hit her head on, on her way home from work. The Sheriff' called me, her car was totaled. The ambulance took her to the emergency room. We stayed there with her for a few hours until they finally let her go home after a CT scan & xrays. 

Linda is ok, she has some bumps, bruises and very sore neck and shoulders. Doctor said she won't be able to return to work till next week. Thank God she is ok.

Thank God for my little boys

Today was very busy!! I have been to doctors appointments and/or scans everyday this week, (my online cancer friends can relate to that I'm sure) :-) 

Then I thought I'd have a day off today, I wanted to plan some special activities & crafts for my daycare kids who were coming early friday morning, but today ended up being the busiest of all!

The doctors office had a cancellation and wanted me to come in today, within an hour! 

In the meantime, the news lady keeps calling me to set a time today for an interview..... then my stepmom keeps calling me about her wedding, the insurance lady calls, my hives are itching me like crazy & have now spread up my neck and on my hands.

 Whew!

I'm so glad Wade came home from school in time to go with me to the doctor's office.  Wade is my best friend, he holds my hand when he knows I'm nervous or stressed, he helps calm me down & I love him so much for that. 

He read cartoons for me while we waited in the doctors office, he even had to keep answering my cell phone, as it rang 4 more times, while I was being examined by the doctor. Wade is such a good little boy.

Ironically, Dr. Hudson told me the chemo rash/hives I have, can also be triggered or aggravated by stress, wow. (I've never had hives, it's so weird, I had no idea)

After a long day of the phone ringing, the doctor's appt, CVS for more prescriptions, 2 Television and newspaper interviews (one in the parking lot at Dr. Hudsons & then another interview at our house with Mark) and about 5 more phone calls this evening, I was just ready to relax with my two little boys.

 We just decided to stop answering the phone & spend some alone time baking cookies together :-) My little boys are what keep me sane, when things get bad, I have them to love & hug on and you just can't ask for anything better :-)
Thank God for my little boys, my husband, family & friends. I wouldn't be able to make it thru this without ya'll! Thank you!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Kim says........ (Kim is from the Hodgkin's message board)

Loc: New York, NY
The Myth of the "Good" Cancer Patient

#292396 - 01/18/06 08:03 PM

I will preface this by saying that this is my personal point of view and not the opinion of this station . Since I seem to be having a difficult time of late relating how I feel to people who have not had cancer, I'm going to take this opportunity to squat and share here among my tribe. Maybe I'll find out I am just plain full of scat, in which case I will set aside 40 days to go alone into the desert to wrestle with God. Common sense tells us when catastrophe befalls us it's more productive to have a good attitude, to have gratitude, faith, hope, and lend a helping hand to those less fortunate. That's the ideal goal.

Sometimes despite our best efforts, we fall short of this: we complain, feel sorry for ourselves, feel alone, that we've been dealt a hand we don't deserve. We may harbor resentments for those who've disappointed us, misunderstood us, avoided us, or even deserted us. This may lead us to isolate and fall into further despair.

What I'm learning--with much difficulty and pain--is that there are no extra points for being a "good" cancer patient; that is: patient, tolerant, accepting, cheerful, uplifted, courageous, willing to overcome any odds. Because of the example set by extraordinary individuals like Lance Armstrong, we may feel we've somehow failed if we fall short of that example, like we're being graded on how we get through cancer treatment and its aftermath. Have you ever said to yourself:

• Why is it taking me so long to get better?-
• Why don't I feel happier and more motivated now that treatment is finished?-
• Maybe I'm not trying hard enough-
• Maybe I should suffer in silence so I don't worry or upset those around me; besides, they're probably sick and tired of hearing about my cancer-
• It's so petty to care about my appearance, I should just be grateful to be alive-
• It's ok that my friends don't call as much anymore, I can't expect their lives to stop just because I got sick -
• I should be strong enough to deal with this and figure this out on my own-
• Something must be wrong/defective with me-
• Why can't I snap out of this depression and my negative attitude?

All those who answered no to all of the above are excused. For anyone who answered yes to even one of the above, consider this: you are not alone. In fact, you are NORMAL. The truth is, some of us will hardly bat an eye through treatment; will train for marathons, get married, have kids, go around the world (my onc had a patient who went to HK in the middle of chemo with no repercussions). Others will quit work immediately, feel sick, depressed, like the world is closing in on them.

Unfortunately, there's a lot of shame attached to a cancer diagnosis (we become "untouchable"); we feel shame around how we conduct ourselves through cancer treatment, shame about how we recover post-treatment. We are constantly judging ourselves the way we perceive others are judging us (aren't you well YET?). We're so exhausted by the whole experience of treatment as well as managing our personal and professional lives, that it never occurs to us that what we need to do most is take kind and loving care of ourselves.

We're so busy performing damage control on our relationships (which need plenty of shoring up!) that we don't see that the most important relationship in need of repair is the one with us. My new therapist (who specializes in post cancer treatment) said that it's OK to lick your wounds after treatment--for months, if necessary. There's pressure for the patient to get back to "normal" because it's more comfortable for those who're afraid of getting cancer. But the patient is the one who suffers most and who desperately needs compassion. Like the neglected child assumes responsibility for his parent's lack of attention, the cancer patient may assume responsibility for his illness and the repercussions it has on everyone around him. We're deathly sick and we worry about the trouble we're causing for everyone around us!

This insult, added to the injury of the disease, is too much for us to bear. We crumble, little by little. The challenge is to reclaim who we are. We can start by letting ourselves off the hook and giving ourselves the compassion we so desperately need. We can give ourselves permission to take as much time as we need to regain our health and our strength, permission to weep out loud at the loss of our hair, permission to curse God for how sick we feel. We can take back our power and dignity by talking out loud and without shame or apology about our illness or why we need help. It's not our fault we got cancer and there's nothing that says we're bad or defective if we don't conduct ourselves like Mother Teresa. (Even saints have their defects.) But we can't do this alone. Finding support groups (including this board) has been a lifeline out of the abyss for me. Four months out of tx and I'm only starting to piece together a recognizable map of where I've been. I encourage anyone in need of a guide to seek help from therapist who is trained in dealing with cancer issues. The relief you get in talking to someone who "gets it" and can offer suggestions and/or solutions is priceless.

Kim

--------------------

It's never too late to be what you might have been ~ George Eliot

Sub-clavicular biopsy of node 5-16-05

Dx: 5/23/05 NSHD 1A

4 cycles AVBD 6/23/05 - 9/29/05

Neupogen 5 days post-chemo starting 7/7/05

Clean PET 7/21/05

Clean PET 10/18/05

17-month check up 2/6/07 - still in remission

Thank you

Good news... Wade's school PTA, has decided to donate money to help get us hooked up to city water!! I had no idea they even knew our situation! It was such a nice surprise when my friend Kelly called the other night after the PTA meeting, to let us know.

Wade's kindergarten teacher, has been a huge help to us, especially with drinking water & groceries!! Then, one of the parents in Wade's class, have been kind enough to get things rolling for us with the water hookup because he is an engineer! How wonderful is that?! They are doing all the calling for us and hopefully we can get hooked up soon. How nice! Thank you all!

Ugly rash taking over...itch, itch, scratch, scratch

Cancer just refuses to go away without a fight!
Now, the left side of my body is covered in a raised, extremely itchy, burning rash. It developed in the exact same areas where I had the bleomycin linear scars from chemo. Got another CT Scan to do in the morning.
I've been scanned SO many times now, I'm starting to feel like a barcode!!! :-)

Last Radiation- DONE!!!!

I got zapped yesterday for the last time! Everyday for the last 3 weeks (except weekends) and I'm finally done. I hope I never to see a radiation machine again!
The nurses even gave me a certificate yesterday, they are so super nice, check it out...
Pretty cool, huh? I feel free again! I can finally get on with my life now.

It's been 8 MONTHS of:

• 1st Surgery to remove lymphnodes & appendix
• 2nd Surgery to insert portacath in chest (very painful, awake the whole time)
• Drilling a core of bone marrow from my back (very, very painful)
• Taking countless blood draws from my arm (ouch!)
• Colonoscopy (yuck)
• Several CT Scans, PET scans & XRAYS (CT & PET scans means more needles!)
• 1 trip to Emergency room in excrutiating pain that resulted in 5 days being hospitalized with a tube up my nose while my stomach was pumped.
• 12 rounds of horrible chemo every 2 weeks for 4 hours at a time followed by 9 days of pain, puking & exhaustion.
• 12 rounds of radiation being zapped into my belly & hip everyday which the doctor tells me will greatly increase my chances of getting a 2nd cancer! Ironic!

ALL THIS TO HOPEFULLY HAVE SAVED MY LIFE! It was worth it to hear the news that I am cancer free! As you know, there is no cure for Hodgkin's so I will continued to be monitored the rest of my life. I will go back to see the doc every 3 months and then every 6 months and so on. He says the cancer is more likely to come back within the first 2 years, so if I can make it past then, I'll have pretty good chances of making it! Let's HOPE! :)

I try to stay positive through it all and I know the tragic events that have occured in my life have only made me stronger and made me the person I am today. What keeps me going is what my mom used to always say, "Remember, there is always someone worse off than you" and "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

I am grateful to still be alive and be able to be a mom, wife, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, granddaughter, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, step-sister, step-daughter and friend to all those who mean the most to me.

All in all, I've still got a wonderful life!

One of my favorite songs is "Life Ain't always Beautiful" by Gary Allen.

Life Ain't Always beautiful, but it's a Beautiful ride!

___________________________________________

Mallory I'm so happy to hear this wonderful news!!!! It's just exactly the way that I've been praying that it would turn out. Your story has and will continue to touch and give inspiration to so many more people out there along the way. I truthfully believe that Faith, wonderful doctors and medicine, supportive family, supportive friends and last but not least THE WILL TO NEVER GIVE UP are the steps to becoming a Genuine Survivor. Thanks from a Fellow Survivor for the hope and inspiration that you have shown during your battle. I couldn't be more proud of you for the way that you handled it.

Best Wishes, Bobby S.

Mallory, what wonderful news! I am so happy that all of those treatments are over and your cancer is gone. I admire you so much for your bravery and positive outlook. So many prayers were being said for you and God heard and answered them all. Keep your positive thoughts. I am glad we got to meet you, even though it was a short visit. Hopefully we can get together soon.

Love and prayers, Jan