Mallory's Journal

"Our Story..."

2012-01-20T11:00:00.000-05:00

Sunday, May 14, 2006

OUR STORY...

WRITTEN BY MALLORY 2006:
Last March 31st, on a chilly morning around 6am, my husband was on his way to work. He was traveling down Green River road when all of a sudden he was blind-sided by a car going full speed through a stop sign at Millersburg road. A woman who was talking on her cell phone and speeding, ran a stop sign at a very high rate of speed and T boned my husbands truck spinning him around and into oncoming traffic on Green River Road where he was hit again headon by another truck. He never even saw it coming.

The paramedics didn't even find my husband until minutes later when someone spotted him pinned under his truck. The vast force of the collision crushed his body and threw him out through the floorboard and passenger door onto the pavement. He was trying to yell for help but was unable to since his lower jaw was broken in two pieces and laying on his chest in a lot of blood.
His chest was completely crushed breaking 8 ribs down his left side, collapsing his left lung, the broken ribs lacerated his liver in 3 places causing internal bleeding, his shoulder was separated, his eye socket was broken, this list goes on.

I was laying in bed with our 3 year old son early that morning, when I got the dreaded call from one of Mark's friends who had seen the ambulances racing to the scene of the accident. I can't begin to tell you the feelings that come over your body when you hear this kind of news. I hope I never feel that way again in my life. My husband is everything to me, the love of my life, my very best friend and my hero.

To make a long story short, after 33 days in the ICU at St. Mary's hospital, several surgeries and lots of physical therapy, Mark survived! The doctors at St. Mary's called him the miracle man. His story was on the news several times and the Courier and Press three times. He truly is a walking miracle. I know it had a lot to do with his strength, faith, will to live and the thousands of prayers from all our friends, family and caring strangers! After his recovery, we had the mounting medical bills to deal with, $202,000 worth to be exact! We thought for sure we were in financial ruin. We met with several lawyers who wouldn't even take the case. The woman who caused the accident walked away the same day with minimum injury but she also had minimum coverage auto insurance which didn't make a dent in the bills.

Everyone told us there was nothing we could do and bankruptcy was our only option. That seemed so unfair that we had to suffer so much for someone else's recklessness, but we didn't see any other option.

So I scheduled an appointment to meet with yet another attorney, our 5th, a Mr. Bruce A. Smith, who specialized in bankruptcy. After hearing our story, he couldn't believe it. Come to find out, he only lived 2 blocks from the intersection where the accident happened and remembered seeing the horrible scene that morning, of mangled cars. He decided to take our case and try to save us from bankruptcy.... and he did!!!! After lots of meetings with the hospital and doctors he got our bills knocked down to only a fraction of what they originally were! We thank Bruce Smith so much for what he was able to do for us!!!

We also thank God everyday for the wonderful miracles he has given us! Good things have come out of very bad situations for us and we owe it all to God!

We were just trying to get back on our feet this year, trying to get the bills paid and Mark was able to return to work a few months later, when we got hit again! This time it was a lump in my abdomen! We were so scared. After several tests, scans and meeting with doctors, it was determined that I had a fairly large tumor in my abdomen. Noone knew for sure what it was yet, but the surgeon said it needed to come out. I was scheduled for surgery on Memorial Day weekend. The surgeon reassured me all was going to be fine and it was probably endometriosis which could be treated.

After I awoke from surgery, the doctor came over with a straight face and told me they had removed the tumor and unfortunately it was not endometriosis, but an enlarged lymph node which most likely meant.....Cancer! I started to cry uncontrollably and asking for my husband, he came in with tears in his eyes and we just held each other.

The next morning we met with an oncologist, I didn't even know what an oncologist was! After explaining to us what I had, the stage I was at and my likely survival rate and what our treatment options were, my thoughts were a blur! All I really remember was when he said 'survival rate' those words will wake anyone up!

It's funny, what I remember was, when he said my odds of survival were 65-70% the first thing that automatically pops in your head is....that's 30-35% chance of not surviving! Dr. Browning, my oncologist, decided we needed to start treatment right away.

I was introduced to chemo in June and have been taking treatments every 2 weeks since then. This fight with cancer and chemo has really made me appreciate all the cancer survivors out there! I had NO idea what people went through when they were on chemo, it's a horrible thing. It's funny when I get online and chat with other cancer fighters, we all kind of joke that we don't know what's trying to kill us more, the cancer or the chemo! I've learned that you have to keep your sense of humor in these kind of situations, sometimes it's the only that keeps me going!
Anyway, I have 2 more treatments to go, then I start radiation on my hip, where the cancer has spread from my lymph nodes into my right hip bone. I am still keeping a positive attitude, I think attitude has a lot to do with surviving. I learned that from my husband, he fought for every breath after his accident and he is living proof that willpower, faith and attitude can overcome extreme circumstances!

When my mom was battling with her disease, ALS, better known as Lou Gehrigs disease, she fought hard too, she fought just to move her limbs, to eat, to drink, everything. She fought for two years until it finally got the best of her in June of 1990, just 4 days after I graduated high school.

Now, my cousin Teet, is also battling Lymphoma like me. She is in stage 4 and has been through hell and back with her treatments. She has helped me so much in telling me what to expect and how to deal with all these horrible chemo side effects. She is currently at the Houston Hospital awaiting an Allogenic transplant and doing clinical trials. Please pray for her.

I just wanted to share our story with you. I like to tell our story to anyone who will listen to encourage everyone to keep a positive attitude, trust God, keep your faith and try to look at the bright side of things in the midst of tragedy.

Life is good if you make it so!

(Blogs post most recent entries first and oldest last. SO, If you are reading my journal/blog for the first time, unfortunately you will have to click on the links at the bottom right side of the page starting with May and work your way up. I have tried to get the blog to be in chronological order of oldest to newest, but they just don't work that way. I posted this first entry "Our Story" here at the top but then the most recent are underneath it)

Scan results GOOD! :)

2012-01-20T10:51:00.001-05:00

So Anthem Insurance decided not to cover my 6 month PET scans anymore so I took a CT scan on Wednesday. Just got results this morning.....all looked good. No evidence of recurring lymphoma! Yay!

All is good

2011-02-05T21:02:00.002-05:00

Mammogram and thyroid tests all came back fine. Thanks to God for all being ok. We are hanging in there and trying to enjoy every day. You know how they say don't sweat the small stuff, well most the time what you think are the big things (meetings, reports, deadlines, etc) actually is the small stuff and then what you think is the small stuff (birthday cards, smiling to a stranger, hugging your child, baking cookies) is actually the important stuff. So, "Don't sweat the small stuff" because who is going to remember in 20 years whether or not you got the budget report in on time, nobody, but in 20 years your kids will remember how Mom gave them big hugs and baked them cookies! ♥

Appt with Oncologist went well

2010-10-08T11:24:00.001-04:00

Dr. Browning is running thyroid blood tests on me and then I go in for my first ever mammogram next Thursday. I'm sure all will come back fine! :)

3 years since last radiation treatment

2010-01-31T20:22:00.003-05:00

Yep, it's been 3 years & 2 weeks since my last radiation treatment! My last PET scan in December was fine, yea! All is looking good.
Bad news is my friend Bill from Delaware passed away. The damn cancer monster took another precious, beautiful soul. He was such a nice man and didn't deserve the suffering he went through. Please pray for his wife that she may go on, feel him with her and remember all the happy memories of their lives together.
As for us, the Lowe's are as strong as ever and looking forward to a wonderful, blessed & happy new year! Hope you and yours are too! :)

PET scan came back fine! :)

2009-01-02T08:36:00.003-05:00

My PET scan on the 15th came back negative! Yea! Happy Day, Happy Day! It always seems like a new ticket to life, every time I pass a scan now. Makes you REALLY appreciate just being able to live another 6 months and so on, you know? Of course, it always lurks in the shadows, everytime I get sick or have a new pain, etc. the first thing I think now, is, it's the cancer coming back. Doc and my other cancer friends say this is normal and unfortuneately will probably go on the rest of my life.
I want to mention a friend of mine, BILL FROM DELAWARE, he is one of my cancer friends and is undergoing his 3rd round of radiation and starting chemo AGAIN. Please include him in your prayers, he is a very nice, sweet man, who doesn't deserve this. He is getting weaker by the day and he is losing his will to fight. Please think of him and pray for him.
WHAT DOESN'T KILL US, ONLY MAKES US STRONGER!

Blood test fine- PET scan Dec 15th

2008-12-01T16:06:00.003-05:00

Saw my oncologist last Monday, Nov. 24th. My blood test came back great. He changed my medicine around, which was good, this new one he put me on makes me feel better than the other one did. Still having the hip pain, but I think that is permanent, no biggie though, if that's all I have to deal with than yippie! :)
I go back for a PET scan monday, Dec. 15th. I will know about 2 days later how it comes out. I am feeling hopeful that all is fine!
Looking forward to Christmas. I've been stringing lights on anything that stands still! :)

PET scan on Monday

2008-07-19T00:43:00.004-04:00

My dear friend Robert sent this message below from the 'Cancer Crusade' to me today. He is my 'long term survivor friend'. He had Lymphoma a few years ago and has been my mentor, supporter & friend since I began my own fight in the summer of 2006. As survivors, we are both members of the cancer crusade as many others are and receive monthly & weekly messages. But this message really hits the nail on the head.
It is true that you never truly understand until you have been through it yourself. It is kind of like trying to explain to a first time pregnant mom what is in store for her, you can talk & talk until your blue in the face describing it to her, but until she lives the experience herself, she will never truly understand.
I go in on Monday for yet ANOTHER PET Scan. Those of you not familiar with PET scans, they are like souped-up mega radioactive CT scans, (those of which I have had over 8 now also in the last 26 months, the last being only 3 weeks ago while I was in the Emergency Room in Gibson County Hospital) I still can't believe I am not glowing & sticking to the refridgerator yet from all these scans & xrays!! ha ha
The arch enemy of cancer is ...humor! Never lose it.

~ Mallory, 35 yr old survivor & mom of 2 in Indiana, 17 months in remission.
my story: http://livingwithhodgkins.blogspot.com/

------------Life After Cancer ------------------
A Message ofHope and HealingfromThe Cancer Crusade

The Survivor Movie has been viewed more thanone million timesin every state in the United States and in more than 80 countries around the world. Please keep it going by using the forwarding link at the end of the movie.This movie and these affirmations are our gifts to you. We hope you will share them by forwarding to everyone for whom you feel they might have meaning.
View "The Survivor Movie"here
We hope The Cancer Crusade's weekly affirmations bring you comfort, hope, healing and smiles, and that you will forward them to others for whom you feel they might have meaning. We also invite you to submit ideas for future affirmations.
~~~~~~~~~
"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace." Amelia Earhart

US aviator (1897-1937)

When I received my cancer diagnosis, what I wanted more than anything in the world was to meet, talk to and hopefully get a hug from long-term cancer survivors.One of my happiest moments during that awful time was the evening I met a woman who was a 7-year cancer survivor. She hugged me and told me I would be fine, and I believed her. Now, of course I knew in my head that all cancers are different and that, in all likelihood, she had had totally different treatments for her cancer than I had for mine, but the facts didn't matter to me right then.What mattered was that another human being who had been through pretty much the same thing I was going through - and, more importantly, someone who knew the raw terror I was experiencing - was still standing, proof that I could come out on the other side of this. She was hugging me and infusing me with her strength and her courage and her humanity. She made me believe what all of my doctors' reassurances and the nurses' encouraging words had not been able to because she spoke to my heart.But there was something she didn't tell me, something that every cancer survivor learns at some point, something I'm going to share with you now, and that is this: cancer changes our lives in many ways, and it changes our lives forever.Most of the ways are good. Nearly every cancer survivor we've ever met agrees that the "cancer experience" has given them a richer, deeper appreciation for life and pushed them to live their lives with greater joy than they ever knew before cancer.On the flip side, we cancer survivors will forever be getting those "extra special" checkups on a regular basis. We will be nervous, often scared, occasionally terrified. Some of us have to go through these examinations every few months for years, some more often and some less frequently.Many long-term survivors find that, the longer they are "out" from diagnosis, the more they run into a particular problem. The problem is this: the people who weren't around them "back then" and who have only known them with hair and rosy cheeks and bright eyes just don't get it. We have even heard from some long-term survivors that people have said to them, "You look so healthy. You must not have had a very bad kind of cancer" (Excuse me? There are good kinds?). In other cases, new and/or casual acquaintances have actually implied that a long-term survivor never really had cancer at all!For the most part, however, the simple answer to these concerns is that it is up to us to educate the public. It is up to us as survivors to teach people who might otherwise never know it that there are more than 10 million cancer survivors in this country and we walk among them every day. Our hair has grown back and our cheeks glow and our eyes sparkle. We go to work and we go to school and we get married and we have babies and we live our lives just like everyone else. The differences between us and everyone else are generally unseen (medications, medical appliances, etc.), and every now and then we have to call upon every ounce of courage we can muster and go have some scary tests to make sure everything is okay.If you find yourself in a situation where someone is implying that you couldn't have been very sick, if in fact you were ever sick at all, and that you might be a bit of a hypochondriac, remind yourself that you don't owe that person or anyone else any explanations. You don't owe anyone anything. You've paid your dues and then some. You're a survivor, a champion, a warrior, the very definition of courage and determination. And that is something no one can ever take away from you.Bless the person who suggests anything different, and move on.Dear God, Please help me move forward with my life, ever mindful that I am changed now, for the better and forever. Be with me as I lie on the examining table, undergo frightening and sometimes painful tests, and as I endure the seemingly endless wait for results. When others are less than kind about the differences between them and me, help me to remember that this is only between You and me. Give me the strength to bless them, turn away and face only You. Amen

Roger and Kathy Cawthon
The Cancer Crusade
email: cawthons@thecancercrusade.com
web: http://www.thecancercrusade.com

It is 3 years TODAY since Mark's accident

2008-03-31T09:54:00.005-04:00

Can you believe 3 years ago today, Mark was in the emergency room at St. Mary's, Dr. Burry was working very hard to save Mark's life.

Dr. Burry came out to tell me & the family that Mark had slim chances on living past two weeks from the severity of his injuries. With his lung collapsed, the other one full of blood, all is ribs on his right side broken, his liver lacerated in 3 places, his eye socket broken, his jaw completely broken in two laying on his chest.... You can read more on Mark's accident site.

You wouldn't even believe it to look at him today! Just like the Doctor's said, it was a "Miracle." Thank God for every day we have, make the most of it. Don't dwell on the negative but look towards the positive in everything & everyone. Life is a gift, we never know what day will be our last.

The boys are doing so much better...

2008-03-08T14:35:00.002-05:00

As most of you know, the boys have really been through alot in these past two years & have seen alot of suffering, stress, and very serious grown-up situations that little boys shouldn't have to deal with.
Cody went with me to almost every one of my chemotherapies. Wade helped me alot when I was sick, and they both saw the awful condition their Daddy was in after his car accident a couple years ago.
I can't imagine what was going through their little minds through all of this. Seeing the family in tears, all the doctors, living in the hospital for over a month straight. But I think they have done miraculously well considering.
Cody has had some behavioral problems in school but I have taken him to therapy & Wade saw the counselor at his school on a regular basis while I was going through cancer treatments last year. Both boys have improved alot, the therapist & their doctor says it is normal for such young children to have some post traumatic stress & some depression from experiencing these kind of scary events that happened to their parents, but that they should make an almost full recovery.
And I believe they have, I am so proud of them!
Cody went to a birthday party today for a friend of his at school. He had a great time & it was nice for me to be able to get out of the house for a change & have some 'adult' conversation. :) All the parents at his school are so nice & friendly, I really enjoy talking with them. We are lucky to live in such a great community. I just wish we could afford to keep sending Cody to his school, Trinity Lutheran, next year, but I am afraid as long as we keep getting buried in medical bills, Cody will have to go to public school next year for kindergarten. But that will be ok, Wade & Cody can ride the bus together then & they will go to the same school. They will like that! :) We are blessed.

Mark & the boys all went with me...

2008-03-04T19:31:00.003-05:00

to my oncology appointment to see Dr. Browning yesterday. It was so nice of Mark to take off work early just to go with me. Dr. Browning explained the PET scan results to us, said it all looked good. I am 15 months out of chemo & 14 months out of radiation treatment now and he said that teh first 24 months are the riskiest time for the cancer to come back. He said if I can make it through another 12 months, then he will declare me cured! So let's hope the next 12 months of scans all come back clear too.
I am still having intestinal problems & pain on a daily basis, so he is sending me for another colonoscopy on wednesday (if I can find someone to run my daycare that day). He said the PET scan only shows the outside, not the inside of my intestines, so he wants to make sure the insides are clear of cancer now too.
Dr. Browning said the intestinal problems could also be neuropathy related from the chemo, which as we know, ABVD chemo can cause some neuro problems. As most of you know I still struggle with memory issues.
But all else is fine & I am doing great compared to a year ago! :)
My hair is almost 6" long now & looks normal again, it's so nice not to be starred at when I go out in public anymore from being bald. :)

Scan was clear!

2008-02-26T14:19:00.002-05:00

The oncologists office called, the results of the PET scan showed no evidence of cancer!

Thank God! Happy Day! Happy Day! :)

PET scan in the morning...

2008-02-24T22:02:00.003-05:00

Yes, I am a nervous wreck! I just can't help it you know?
I go in at 7:30am to St. Mary's. I am glad it is St. Mary's this time. Since Mark was laid off at Toyota, we had to go on COBRA insurance and it only covered me at Deaconess. Deaconess is ok but they don't have a PET scan machine. They have to bring in a mobile unit and park in the parking lot and do it there. Not near as comfortable you know?
Anyway, just glad to be going back to St. Mary's. We love St. Mary's of course, that is who saved Mark's life after his auto accident, that is the hospital that wrote off over $200,000 in medical bills for us so we wouldn't have to file bankruptcy, it is the hospital that saved my life with my surgeries, chemo & radiation and it is the hospital that saved Wade when his heartbeat dropped after 34 hours of labor with him & they performed an emergency C-sectioned that saved his life & brought him back to health in the NICU for 3 days after birth when his blood sugar levels were so dangerously high. St. Mary's has saved all of our lives, isn't that something?
.
I will be so worried until I find out the results of course, which probably won't be until Tuesday or Wednesday.
I meet with my oncologist, Dr. Browning next Monday to go over the results and have my bloodwork done.
I wonder if it will ever get easier. The worrying makes you crazy! It's like the fear of the cancer monster returning is always lurking over my shoulder. Every twinge, every ache, every pain, I think, is it the cancer? Is is growing, is it spreading? It is enough to make a person crazy. You just have to keep busy & keep your mind off of it. It was one of the best decisions I made when I took this clerk-treasurer job. Yes, it takes up way too many hours of my life, but on the other hand, it keeps my mind off of the bad stuff. You know?
.
It has been 10 months now since Dr. Browning declared me in remission.

Dr. Browning said when we get past the 2 year mark, then we can exhale and relax a little. He said if the cancer is going to come back it usually always comes back within the first 24 months.
So let's hope all is well on this go around! :) Let's pray that it is, oh God PLEASE, let it be ok.
I am just now getting my hair back again, my jobs are going well, we are getting caught up on the medical bills and the boys are doing good in school.

Please God, let the scans show that I am cancer-free.

Farewell Fred

2007-12-02T13:31:00.000-05:00

Another friend of mine has lost his battle with cancer. Fred was a good friend and a previous co-worker with me at Action Pest Control. He moved to Taiwan a few years ago. He has been battling cancer for awhile now and it finally got the best of him.
He was a good friend.
You'll see towards the bottom of my blog he posted many inspirational comments on my journal to help me fight the battle.
He knew, he understood and he cared.
Farewell Fred, you will be deeply missed.

PET scan results FINE! :)

2007-11-21T09:59:00.000-05:00

Doctor's office called and said results looked fine.
No active signs of cancer found!!!!

Yea!!! HAPPY DAY HAPPY DAY HAPPY DAY

THANK YOU GOD (AGAIN)

Had another PET scan yesterday

2007-11-17T11:29:00.000-05:00

PET scan time again. I went into Deaconess yesterday for 3 hours getting the scan done while they injected me, again, with radioactive material. Not too many more of these and I should start glowing! I want to thank my sister-in-law Sandra for coming over and running my daycare while I was gone. I had a full house of daycare kids Friday and she did great, the kids loved her! It was the hardest time of the day too, lunch time! :) Thanks Sandra.
I do these PET scans every 3 months for the next 3 years and then every 6 months after that for the rest of my life says my oncologist, a.k.a life saver. I won't find out until next week what the results are. Please help me pray that all is clear!

All is going well for the most part. My jobs keep me very busy, but it is well worth it, Mark & I are caught up now on the bills, even though new medical bills come in almost everyday (like the PET scan, it's over $5000 every time) thankfully COBRA is covering most of it and then the Hospitals have been so gracious in working with us to cover anything that is left to pay after COBRA.
COBRA is VERY expensive and we hopefully only have about 1-2 more months to pay it until Mark's insurance at work will kick in.
Right now is very scary because Mark & the boys have NO health insurance. When Mark lost his job from Toyota a few months ago, that left us with no insurance. COBRA was going to be over $1500 a month for all four of us, and of course we didn't have the money to cover that, especially since Mark was out of work. We tried to get help from the State for Hoosier Healthwise to at least cover Wade & Cody, but they denied us coverage since I was working! Isn't the system messed up? If I was lazy and didn't work we could have free health insurance, free groceries & help with utility bills they said. But since, I'm not lazy and work all the time, we can't receive any help during times of crisis. It is very disheartening.
Anyway, enough of that, we just need to make it through a few more weeks without any medical problems.
Mark has been having some very bad chest pains lately. So bad that he could barely make it home the other night. He laid in bed with crushing pain that he asked me for some of my pain meds, he felt so bad. And if you know Mark, it has to be pretty bad before he will take any medicine.
I urged him to go to MEC but he swore it was fine. Now it is 3 days later and the pain has gotten much less and he is working but I still worry what has caused it. He still has occasional deep chest pains ever since his car accident.
Doctor said he would be prone to blood clots from the severe trauma his chest & lungs took when they were crushed.
Overall he is doing great though considering.
Hope everyone is getting ready for Thanksgiving.
This year we have A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR!

Moving on

2007-09-19T15:15:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been 8 months since my last chemo and 7 months since my last radiation. My hair is growing back and looks normal again, I am feeling good and have energy and strength again. Things are really looking up and we are moving on! :)
I am enjoying my jobs very much. They also keep me SUPER busy though.
Just last week, I logged 18 hours doing my clerk-treasurer job, 27 doing my utility clerk job plus my regular 46 hours of childcare. Most of these hours overlap, except alot of the utility work I tend to do in the evenings after everyone goes to bed, it is quiet then so I can concentrate. :)
I think jumping right into work with both feet is what has really helped me overcome everything. Plus we needed the extra money since Mark had gotten his permanent lay off notice from Toyota this spring. He is doing much better though. He went back into the bodyshop business and is so much happier. I really thank God and hope things continue to improve. I am SO grateful for what we have.

2007-08-20T21:22:00.000-04:00

Well, 6 hours ago, I finally said goodbye and good riddance to my cancer! The awful chemo port was removed from my chest this afternoon. It was scary and very painful at first but fine after the numbing shots kicked in.
My neighbors came to my rescue. My wonderful neighbor, Amanda Loughran, took off work early today just to be home to get Wade when he got off the bus from school while I was at the hospital. Then, my good friend Rusty (Amanda's son) drove me and Cody to Deaconess Hospital today to be my support and take pictures for my website for me. They are the best neighbors & friends!

I am glad it's all over with. I hope I never have to go through this again or anyone else. The whole cancer deal, surgeries, chemo, radiation, all of it is even much worse than you think it is. God Bless anyone who is going thru it now. That is why I decided to document everything because when I started this journey, there wasn't much out there to give me comfort or prepare me for what was ahead. So I hope these pictures and my cancer journal can help someone else dealing with the cancer monster.

Cancer can go to hell!

I am getting Deported Aug. 20th!!!!

2007-08-07T08:17:00.000-04:00

Yep, you heard it right! De-ported! I will have my port-a-Cath taken out of my chest on Monday, August 20th! So, you know what that means............

I am cancer free !!!!!!!!!!!

In case you don't know, that is always a huge moment for cancer patients; when the surgeon finally takes out your port, that means they consider you in remission & cancer free! Goodbye port, it is such an eyesore, very itchy, pokes out a good 1/2 inch, hurts wearing a seat belt because it rubs on it, people stare at it and its just miserable, so goodbye and good riddance! :)

Praise the Lord! I prayed so hard my eyes were sore from closing them so tight & straining.

I met with Dr. Browning to get the results of my PET scan yesterday and it showed NO EVIDENCE of abnormalities or cancerous cells. Even the spot in my right hip that lit up to a 13 in March and gave everyone, including me, such a scare, has disappeared! Isn't that awesome.

Doctor says I can officially get on with my life now, the dark cloud is gone and the cancer monster is not on my shoulder anymore! Hallelujah! Thank God, Thank God, Thank God for everything in my life, I am extremely relieved and feel like a new person.

I can finally make plans for my future, knowing that I will most likely have a future now! I am so grateful to God that I have a beautiful, wonderful, life to live. I don't take anything for granted and I am ready to move on and make plans, knowing that I finally can. No more chemo monster, no more 'not knowing', no more chemo crap! Cancer can just suck my big chemo bag and die! Yep, that's how I feel.

LIFE----- HERE I COME!

PET scan this friday, Aug. 3rd :(

2007-07-30T12:00:00.001-04:00

I gave in and decided to get the PET scan over with. I don't want to wait until I'm a stage 2 or 3 again. So I am going in friday morning. PET scans are very intense and take about 2 - 2 1/2 hours. I am having my sister-in-law, Sandra care for the kids while I'm gone.
I won't know anything until Monday the 6th when I meet with Dr. Browning at St. Mary's Cancer Center. I'm trying to stay positive, but I know something is wrong. My right hip continues to increasingly ache, my night sweats have started and my fatigue level is increasing once again.
Please God, don't let me have to go thru Chemo again!

The next chemo will be much worse, they call it salvage chemo, it will be MOPP chemo which is super, super bad. One of my online friends who has been thru MOPP chemo says it feels like a dose of DRANO & BATTERY ACID! UGH!
Anyway, I'm trying to keep my hopes up. I love my new job as town clerk and don't want to lose it. At least, if I have to do chemo again, I can probably still keep up with my job since I do it from home. I just worry about being able to watch the kiddos. It was almost impossible last time, Mark & my family had to help alot.
Please help me pray that all will go well & I will receive good news on monday. Thank you to all my friends & family for supporting me, praying for me and helping me through all of these hardships. Love, Mallory

Haven't posted in awhile, been so busy :)

2007-07-19T07:56:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile. I think I am a little in denial. As you know from my previous scans and trip to Indy Cancer Center, I have activity in my right hip bone now. I am due for another scan to see how much it has spread. Just don't wanna go!
I haven't heard from my local oncologist, Dr. Browning, and I haven't made much of an effort to contact him to schedule the scan because, well.... I just don't want to hear what they are going to say.
Things are going pretty well in our lives now and I want it to stay that way. The pain in my hip continues to worsen. I am taking pain medicine on a regular basis now to deal with it. My fatigue levels are starting to increase once again. The good news is my hives have finally dissappeared for the moment.
I am staying very busy with my careers. My daycare is going well, I just took all the kiddos to the Children's Museum yesterday and we had a blast! My Clerk-Treasurer job is still keeping me busy, it has become easier now that I have been doing it a few months. It is alot of hard work & a bit stressful, but I enjoy it.

My newest job is Utility Clerk for Darmstadt, I was just hired into that position 3 weeks ago. We moved all the equipment into my house and have it all set up. It is going well so far. I really like talking to the residents when they call & solving problems. There are so many nice people in our town. Most of them have told me how happy they are I've taken this position. I've received many compliments on my work, how I stay on top of things and get things solved right away, so that makes me feel great! I've even received many thank yous from the residents.

Between my 3 jobs, the kids, the house, the cancer, the medical bills, planning Mark's 40th birthday party, both boys starting school in 3 weeks & trying to keep up with the yard work, I stay pretty busy now. Whew!

Mark likes his new job, he had lost his job at Toyota a few months ago. We struggled (again) for a couple months on unemployment until he decided to go back into the auto body business. A couple of the local body shops called him when they heard he was available. He has such a great reputation in town as being the best, and they knew it and wanted him. So that made Mark feel really good that the body shops were fighting over him!
Anyway, he chose the D-Patrick East side body shop. They treat him very well there. They have good pay, good insurance & benefits so Mark likes it. He is already 'top dog' there in the shop. He also still continues to do body work at home too. I bet he has about 2 cars each weekend he does outside in his garage. Everyone knows he's the best and they can usually save their deductible by having him fix them. So that's good.

Today is my little sister's 28th Birthday! Happy Birthday Sterling! I love you! Mark, my hubby, will be 40 on August 30th, I am planning a party for him on August 18th! I will be sending invites out soon. I want all our friends & family to attend, so if I don't have your address, please email it to me! :)
I'll post again when I hear some news from the doctors. God Bless everyone, hope your all having a fantastic summer! :)

Indiana University Cancer Center

2007-06-12T08:14:00.000-04:00

Our trip to Indianapolis Cancer Center yesterday to meet Dr. Robertson, a lymphoma specialists went well. He was very attentive, listened and gave it to us straight. We liked him alot.
However, the bad news is he didn't have many answers for us. First of all he says, less than 1% of all people diagnosed with cancer have Hodgkin's, then of those few people, only about 3% have Hodgkin's cancer in their abdomen, then of those it is unheard of to see it spread into the bone. Dr. Robertson said I am the only case he has ever seen to have broken out in hives.
So, since I have a very rare case of cancer, he said they have no other previous studies to compare me to. His suggestion was to have yet another biopsy on my right hip. This would be the 3rd this year. He wants a full open surgery where they slice my leg wide open so they can fully see what is going on in there. The orthopedic surgeon who took the last 4 bone core samples out of my hip during surgery last month, said there is no way my hip could withstand anymore coring.
So, our only other option is to 'wait & see.' He said we could wait another 8 weeks or so and have another PET scan & CT scan done to see if the hip area is still lighting up with abnormalities like it is now and see if it gets worse. The only bad thing he said with that is, if it is active cancer in my hip it will continue to spread during the waiting time, putting me at greater risk of being a more advanced stage when properly diagnosed.
Dr. Robertson is going to speak with my local oncologist, Dr. Browning today and discuss what they think should be done. Mark & I said, we would rather chose the 'wait & see' option if they think that is acceptable.
I will hear from Dr. Browning on their discussions today or tomorrow.
I want to thank my sister-in-law, Sandra for watching our boys for us all day yesterday while Mark & I were in Indianapolis. Thanks.

-----------------------------
slskenyon said...
"Wait and see" can be extraordinarily difficult when it comes to health. I must say that I have been captivated by your photo collage--I watched it long after I finished reading the post. You have had quite a journey, and you have a wonderful family.

from, skskenyon
6:25 PM

One year anniversary of my Cancer diagnosis

2007-05-25T18:27:00.001-04:00

Memorial Day weekend last year, I was in the hospital undergoing surgery to supposedly remove a benign tumor in my abdomen.
As I awoke from the anesthesia, I was given the bad news that the doctor had been mistaken, it was cancer.

It's been a very, very rough year, for not only me but also my husband & sons.
In the last 12 months I've been through:

4 surgeries (8 in my life so far)
12 horrible, horrible ABVD chemo treatments
13 radiation treatments
8 CT scans
3 PET scans
23 X-rays
tons of excruciating pain
one trip to the emergency room
3 hospitalizations
Over 68 needle pokes
lots of puking
hair loss
covered in scars
and buried in medical bills .......but I'm still here!

I'm stronger, wiser, tougher, my faith is renewed, my friendships are deeper and my heart is overflowing with love, gratitude and thankfulness!

If I hadn't learned to fight and stay positive, I would have given up a long time ago and probably wouldn't be here now.

Faith, Love & Positive thinking can overcome most anything!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Fred Walter said...
Mallory,

Good to see your post! I kept looking for one. Congratulations on another year. It is kind of strange to say that, or for some people it is. But, I know what you are talking about. I thank God every day for a new day and a chance to carry on. Faith, Love and Positive Thinking can truly overcome most everything. Some of my students think that money is most important. Others say that health is. I say "Love and friendship" are the most important. Love and friendship will get you through times with no money and poor health.

In these areas, Love and Friendship, you are blessed. And with these you have Faith. My second anniversary is coming in July. Can't recall the exact date. Still carrying on in Taiwan.

Your friend across the ocean in a little country called Taiwan, Fred
9:00 PM

Oncologist sending me to Indianapolis

2007-05-07T20:26:00.000-04:00

We have had a very busy week! My dad's wedding was last Saturday, it went well and everyone had a good time. We especially loved visiting with our family who came in from Delaware & Ohio to stay with Mark & I for a few days.

Dr. Browning, my oncologist, is still not satisfied with my open biopsy results. The report stated that there were no signs of cancer, only benign lymphoma cells. The orthopedic surgeon who performed the surgery told us that my hip is very fragile and that I should be careful not to fall, put much weight on it or climb ladders ever again to keep it from fracturing.

The oncologist said I am too young to be having such degeneration in my hip and he wants to send me to Indianapolis Medical Center to be examined by a lymphoma specialists. My appt is June 11th (Me & Mark's anniversary, doesn't sound like a very romantic day, does it?).

Mark's last day of work is this friday. I think we will be ok. The Toyota employees who have lost their jobs will be able to receive unemployment until they can find a new job they said. It won't be much but will at least buy groceries.

We've received a lot of support from our family who were here visiting and they have been very generous in donating some funds to get us through the next couple months.

I've started my 2nd job as the Clerk-Treasurer for the town of Darmstadt. It's a job I can do from home, mostly in the evenings. Between the daycare during the day and the Clerk-Treasurer job in the evenings, I'll be busy, but it's worth it.

We have to do what we can to make ends meet right now. I enjoy both my jobs so that's good. I still get to be home with my little boys and that's the most important thing to me. (the baby in this picture is my precious daycare baby, Edan)

I have faith, I know things will work out for us, with the help of our wonderful family, friends and God!

HOME FROM HOSPITAL

2007-05-01T16:24:00.000-04:00

The surgery went ok. I'm sore but not as bad as I thought I would be so that is a blessing! Dr. Spohr put me under anesthesia, had a tube down my throat and put me on a special hip fracture table where my right leg could be elevated and I could be on my side when Dr. Gary Moore, my orthopedic surgeon, drilled into my femur & trochanter. Here's an xray he gave me when he had the rod in my bone.

I have stitches that will come out next week and alot of bruising but other than that it's ok. No big deal compared to the pain I've been thru before. :)

Here's some pictures of my 'sexy leg' ha ha. This whole cancer deal is just one ugly makeover after another. Won't I be attractive this summer in shorts! :)

I won't know the results until thursday when I meet with my oncologist, Dr. Browning.

Thanks for everyone's concern, emails & cards, I really appreciate it so much. I need all the encouragement I can get right now!

Mark lost his job, Toyota laying off 370 workers!!!!!

2007-04-25T13:48:00.000-04:00

It's official. We knew it was coming, there had been rumors for weeks that another big layoff was in the works at Mark's job, but we had no idea it was THIS BIG! I'm sure many of you have seen it on the news and it was on the front page of the paper today that Toyota is getting rid of it's entire variable workforce of 370 people.
Mark said they will be getting rid of the people by department and that his will be one of the first. Mark was told his last day will be May 11th.
My surgery is next week, so at least we will still have health insurance for that. I'll be in Deaconess Hospital monday & tuesday.

MY GOD! I think I'm starting to break! Everyone always asks me how I've managed to hold myself together thru Mark's near death accident, over a month in ICU, the quarter million in medical bills, my current struggle with cancer, surgery, chemo, radiation, trying to take care of the kids, doing daycare to help pay the bills and now Mark losing his job and us losing our health insurance!
I think I've finally hit my breaking point.......

Pre-Testing for surgery today

2007-04-23T10:07:00.000-04:00

I meet with Dr. Moore today, my orthopaedic surgeon. He is going to perform my open biopsy surgery next monday at Deaconess. My biopsy the week before last showed no definate signs of cancer, which was great news!

But the doctors are now saying that they still haven't solved the problem of what is going on in my hip. All the scans and previous biopsy show some abnormality & activity, but they don't know what it is yet. Dr. Browning, my oncologist, wants proof that it isn't cancer, just to be on the safe side.

So I'm back in surgery again! This will be regular surgery where they knock me out, the last biopsy I was awake the whole time & it wasn't a big deal compared to all my other surgeries.
Hopefully the surgery next monday will give proof that I have no active cancer! Hopefully, whatever is wrong with my hip is just some side effect of the radiation or something.
Let's keep our hopes up! :)

Biopsy last friday

2007-04-18T11:09:00.000-04:00

Hi friends & family, my home computer needed repair & upgraded so I put it in the shop on thursday and has been in since then. I just now got it back, so that's why I've been unable to email or update these last few days.
Last friday was my biopsy. I was told this would be a biopsy where I'd be asleep & they would take sufficient samples from my femur bone & surrounding tissue. When I went in friday, the doctor told me I'd be awake the whole time. It was called a 'skinny needle biopsy'. But there was nothing skinny about the straw sized T handled tool he used to drill down thru the top of my thigh into my femur on my right hip area. I could feel the pressure as the tool popped thru my layers of flesh on the way to my bone, yuck. Very painful in the beginning until the 3 numbing shots started to take effect. This was done on the Ct scanner platform so they could keep running me back and forth into the scanner while the big T handle was poking out of me, so the doctor could see inside my hip where he should be aiming.
Anyway, after all that, I was told no results until the following monday. So we went all weekend worrying. On monday, Mark, me and the boys all went to Dr. Browning's office together to hear the news. Well, still no more answers. The biopsy shows some 'lymphicite filtration' in the right trochanter (thats the bone under the hip, top of femur where all my trouble is). It also showed a small blood clot. These things weren't too serious but were of some concern to the doctor.
The main thing he said is there is definately some activity in my trochanter and the biopsy failed to prove wether it is or is not cancer. It's more likely that its not cancer he said, but they want proof.

Dr. Browning, my oncologist, sent me back to my radiation doctor, Mr. Miller for another opinion. So me, Mark & the boys headed across town to meet with him. He was concerned also. He reviewed all the tests, scans and biopsy and agrees with what Dr. Browning had said. They both also spoke with my Orthopedic Doctor, Mr. Moore and have all decided I need an "Open Biopsy."
An open biopsy is what I thought I was getting friday. It will be regular surgery in an operation room under anesthia (spelling?). The Doctor will make a larger incision than he did friday and retrieve larger fragments of my bone, bone marrow & tissue, in and around my trochanter.
I don't really understand how a larger piece is going to make a difference.
Anyway, the nurse called yesterday wanting to schedule surgery for next tuesday. I just told her I'd like to wait and think about it a couple days.
This is all so very frustrating for me and Mark. In the last couple weeks, I've had 2 ct scans, a PET scan (which took 5 hours), an MRI (which took 4 hours), 2 xrays, bloodwork done, urine tests and a biopsy with STILL NO definate ANSWERS??!!!!

The only good news is that my little baby Edan started daycare this week, I have him tues-fri. I was also hired as the new Clerk-Treasurer for the town of Darmstadt this week. They congratulated me after the town board meeting last tuesday evening, that I got the job! It's a job I can do from home. I am trying to help bring in enough income to cover us when Mark gets laid off.
I sure hope my health stays stable so I can keep these jobs.

I must be the definition of flexibility

2007-04-10T11:15:00.000-04:00

Changes again ... Well, I was calling yesterday to double check on my surgery and insurance coverage and it's a good thing I did.

Come to find out, our insurance is the same company but they changed our in-network providers from Sagamore to Indiana Health Network as of April 1st (last week). Which I knew about and had already checked that my oncologist, Dr. Browning was still in-network for me and he is.

BUT, St. Mary's hospital is NOT!!!!! UGH! What awful news. So from now on, I have to go to Deaconess, which I have never been there for any treatment and Mark's Dad died there, so its just not a comfortable place for us.
Anyway, guess we'll have to get use to it, no other choice. Just be glad we have insurance, right?! :)

So, the surgery is CANCELLED for today and is now scheduled for friday at Deaconess! Which also messed up my daycare schedule for the girls I watch on friday. I felt so bad to have to call their mom and mess up her plans also on friday.

I'll post the results of my surgery as soon as I can. They should be able to tell me the same day if it's the cancer again that's eating up my hip or something else.

Back to St. Mary's for Biopsy Tuesday

2007-04-05T21:20:00.000-04:00

After meeting with my oncologist monday, he sent me to the orthopedic doc tuesday. They both are concerned about the scan & xray results. They have talked and decided to send me for a trochanter biopsy.
I go into the hospital for surgery this Tuesday.

Met with Dr. Browning

2007-04-02T22:20:00.000-04:00

Dad took me today to see Dr. Browning (Mark was at work). Doc says the Mri & scan results definately show a questionable abnormality in my right hip. He says from what he sees he can still not determine if it's the cancer again or not at this time.
My hip is becoming increasly more sore. Doc is sending me to an orthopedic specialist to examine my hip bone, review the scans and then probably also schedule a biopsy at the hospital in the next few days.
It is so frustrating not knowing. I am stressing out, losing sleep & just generally worried like crazy. It seems like it takes forever for a diagnosis. Hopefully we will know more soon. I will keep everyone posted. Thanks for everyones concern & support.

2 YEARS AGO TODAY....

2007-03-31T13:20:00.000-04:00

Two years ago today, March 31st, I got the heartbreaking call that Mark had been in a horrible automobile accident on his way to work that morning.

Doctors said they weren't sure if he would live. He had many surgeries, was in ICU for a MONTH and struggled for months in rehabilitation & physical therapy.

Well, today he is at his first fishing tournament of the year with his Bassmasters Club at Lake Malone and having a great time on this beautiful day.

It's true, when God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. All we can do is just keep pushing on.

Good news & Bad news....

2007-03-31T00:05:00.000-04:00

GOOD NEWS....We officially have clean water as of today!! It's been 4 years of this dirty brown well water you see in this picture of my bathroom sink. We've had to brush our teeth, bathe & do laundry in this nasty water, but NO MORE!

Today, Amy & Tim Spurling, sent their best guys from Spurling properties to run the water lines from the meter into our house. We have clean water now coming from the faucets! What a huge blessing! We want to sincerely thank Scott Elementary School PTA, Mrs. Janie Thomas, Kelly Vincent, Shannon Curtis, Tim & Amy Spurling and everyone else who had a hand in helping us get clean water!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

BAD NEWS....now, the bad news. I had a PET scan, CT scan & MRI all done this week. The results are not good. The doctor says there is 'activity and questionable abnormalities' again in my right hip area. This is bad.

My Dad & I are meeting with Dr. Browning monday to see what the next steps will be. I am praying to God, that I won't have to start chemo again already. It's only been about 3 months, whew! I thought I was just getting back on my feet again. Please help me pray it's not the cancer coming back already, Please God!

Not again ???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!....

2007-03-28T23:05:00.000-04:00

The results of the PET & CT scan show signs of activity in my right hip again. Dr. Browning's nurse said, however, that the results are inconclusive, so they have decided to send me for more tests. I go back to the hospital tomorrow for an MRI. Hopefully, we will know something soon.

Please God, don't let it be the cancer coming back already. It's only been a few WEEKS. I don't know what to say, I think I'm still numb.

PET scan today

2007-03-27T18:26:00.000-04:00

Had another PET & CT scan done this morning at St. Mary's hospital. Glad it's over with. The PET scan alone, takes 1 1/2 hours. They inject me with a radioactive tracer substance that is in a scary looking, metal, incapsulated syringe. It has to circulate thru my body for 45 minutes before they can take the scan. The pet scan lasts about 30 minutes. The ct scan was much shorter.
Anyway, I should know the results tomorrow. Naturally I'm a bit scared, but overall I think it will be good news. I sure hope so anyway.

It's been 8 weeks since my last ct scan, 11 weeks since my last radiation & 14 weeks since chemo.
Please help me pray that it's good news tomorrow.
.

Great time at Concert last night!

2007-03-18T12:21:00.000-04:00

Mark & I went to see comedian Wayne Brady and country singers Big & Rich last night at Robert's Stadium. It was the annual concert hosted by Toyota for all it's employees. The place was packed and we had a great time. Wayne Brady was the best!!! He is SO clever & hilarious!
He was awesome, had the whole place rolling!

We dressed the part for a 'country concert' and had on our cowboy hats. I also wore my wig after I had tried on my cowboy hat earlier without a wig and realized I looked more like Mark's brother than his wife!!! ha ha

We had so much fun!

Beautiful Day

2007-03-16T12:54:00.001-04:00

It's a beautiful day today. My little daycare girls are here today and all the kids are having a great time playing outside on the swings!
I'm so glad things are getting better all the time for us. I love being with the kids, they are so much fun.
Tim Spurling came to visit yesterday, he's the nice man who's son is friends with Wade in kindergarten, he owns Spurling properties & has offered to get the water ran from the meter in the front yard, into our house, isn't that wonderful?! Him and his wife, Amy are such nice, generous people.
We also got a letter yesterday from St. Mary's Hospital, they said based on our income, that we qualified for financial aid and that they have wrote off our bill so far this year! Isn't that great?! We were getting worried, even after the insurance paid, we still owed a couple thousand, so they wrote it off, we are truly blessed!

Feeling Great!

2007-03-12T22:38:00.000-04:00

I am feeling great finally! My memory & anxiety continues to slowly improve. My hair is coming in nicely. I've been laying low, mostly just working around the house & doing things with the kids. It's been good for my soul.
A little quiet time just getting caught up on things & getting ready for spring. My body doesn't quite keep up with me like it used to, but I guess that's to be expected. I'm just grateful to be well again! The boys & I spent alot of time at the playground today playing in the sand & making friends, it was a beautiful day!

Clean city water being installed today...

2007-02-27T20:35:00.000-05:00

Today, the water department has started to run the water line extension to our property. They said they will be finished tomorrow and we will have a meter in our front yard! Yea!
Then we just need to run the water from the meter into our home. I think the Spurlings, parents from Wade's school, offered to help us with that, so that will be nice. It's been 4 years of dirty, bacteria, well water. We can't wait to take a bath & brush our teeth in clean water! :) Thank you Scott Elementary School PTA!

Biopsy results are negative, no new cancer!

2007-02-19T18:06:00.000-05:00

What a relief!!! The biopsy results were negative for any Lymphoma cells! Yea!! Dr. Hudson (dermatologist who took the biopsy) says more than likely I am just having a skin reaction to the dead cancer cells & chemo. Biopsy said it is a hive-like rash, it could last awhile he says, but I told him as long as it's not cancer, I can learn to live with it. Just so happy to hear it wasn't the cancer coming back!!! Thank you God!!!

Waiting for Biopsy results

2007-02-15T11:19:00.000-05:00

The doctor took a biopsy out of the top of my hand last week where my rash was most active at the time. I won't get the results back until monday. Of course, we are all worried it's the cancer coming back but I try to stay positive.
-------------------------------------------------------

Hi Mal,
I love your blog!!!
It's fantastic to read, especially for those of us who've gone through treatment and suffered from the physical, mental, and emotional toll that comes with a cancer diagnosis.
I will hold your health in the most positive light and hope that the biopsy comes back negatory :-)

Best,
Kim (Izzydoesit from the HD forum)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Mal,
just wanted you to know that I still think of you every sigle day. I've been wanting to stop by for another visit but Cindy has had such a terrible cold for the last couple of weeks and we didn't want to spread it around. I'll pray Monday that you get good results. Sarah Mclachlan's song Angel means so much to me!!! I use to listen to it over and over during my battle and it gave me so much comfort. Music is such a wonderful thing, I'd be lost without it. Thanks for being such an inspiration to me and so many other's in our Cancer family. Remember I'm only a few month's from 3 years in remission from stage 4 Lymphoma. I still feel that it picked the wrong guy to try to beat. You'll always have support here.

Love, Hope and Inspiration.
Bobby S

--Posted by Bobby Schneider to Mallory's Journal at 2/18/2007 08:08:52 PM

Still Struggling...

2007-02-06T09:47:00.000-05:00

Everyone always asks me, how I have made it thru all these terrible things in my life, how I've mangaged to hold myself together thru such tragedies. I never really know what to say.
Like many other people who have gone thru so many awful struggles, I just try to put a smile on my face & nod my head. But on the inside is a different story. I haven't made it thru without alot of damage.

Every morning I wake up, I see the damage on the outside of my body, all my missing hair, the 22lbs I've gained from chemo steroids, the chemo chemical scars on my torso & arms, the portacath sticking out of my chest, the surgery scars on my abdomen & chest, the rash that is now on my torso, neck & hands and I don't recognize the person in the mirror anymore. But I try to remember that I'm still alive and the outside of me will hopefully get better, my hair will grow back, I'll hopefully lose the weight, the portacath will hopefully come out this year, but the scars... will always be a painful reminder.

Just like the scars I carry on the inside. Only my doctor & closest friends know the mental struggles I've been facing, which seem to be getting worse instead of better. Since the chemo & radiation, I have lost much of my short term memory, my abilites to comprehend, concentrate, figure simple math, etc. have diminished. On top of this, understandably, is alot of depression & anxiety. I feel like I should have the right to feel sad & scared sometimes without having to feel guilty about it. It's hard to keep the tears bottled up ALL the time & a smile on my face for the sake of everyone around me.

I met with Dr. Browning again yesterday, he is so awesome, he really listens to me and works hard at finding solutions for my disease. He seems to think my anxiety & rash may be related. He gave me medicine for GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) & depression. He said it's no wonder with all I've been thru these the last 2 years. He's also worried the rash could be cancer related and wants me to have a biopsy done. Ugh! Just when I thought things were getting better & back to normal.

The only thing that brings me joy is being around children. We had a sleepover saturday night with all the boys. My nephews, Jack 13 & Jeremiah 8 months, came over to spend the night with Wade & Cody. I took the boys to the new Evansville Children's museum (again), they loved it! Then we came home made milkshakes & sundaes & pitched a tent in the living room to camp out in. The boys played and watched movies while I rocked little baby Jeremiah to sleep by the cozy fire. It was a wonderful evening with the kids. I just love children, they are so sweet, loving, happy & funny to be around, I guess that's what keeps me going, they make me forget all the harsh realities in life for a little while.

___________________________________________________

Insight from Ann on the Luekemia & Lymphoma message board, I can particularly relate to right now in my early post-treatment days:

Once in a while I read something that really rings true for me. I don't always feel that I can put my feeling in words but something I read recently, strikes a cord. It was an article in the New York Times Magazine written by a cancer survivor, Jenny Allen.(Feb. 4th,pg 88)

She stated, I am doing my best these days to stick to the script in which the cancer patient "bounces back" after successful treatment-not only bounces back but is returned to her family and friends in an improved version, a person flooded with gratitude and a refreshed love for life- but am not doing so with much conviction. I have learned that just as you are beginning to realize you have had this dreadful disease, everyone else is starting to forget it. It is like arriving at the end of an awful trip, craving the embrace of your loved ones and finding that they have all gone somewhere else.
http://ubb-lls.leukemia-lymphoma.org/ubb/Forum11/HTML/000283.html

I have had tremendous support from family and friends but really did feel very alone and scared when the treatment stopped. This board has been very helpful in finding other people going through the same thing.
Thanks!
Ann

Doing better

2007-01-29T22:05:00.000-05:00

I'm so happy to be feeling 'normal' again! What a wonderful feeling. I am still fighting the rash but it's gotten better, still slowly spreading, mostly on my hands now, but not quite as fierce, thank goodness.
I met with Dr. Miller, my radiation doctor today and he said all looks good, he said I am cancer-free 'at the moment' and he keeps trying to tell me how things can change overnight and not to get my hopes up too much, but I still can't help but be HAPPY!

Mark's mom is still sore but doing much better since her accident. Mark has been working hard trying to get her a new car so she can get to work. He's such a good son. I hope my sons are that good to me when I'm older.

Mark's Mom in car accident...

2007-01-23T15:14:00.000-05:00

Mark's mom was in a car accident last night, a lady pulled out and hit her head on, on her way home from work. The Sheriff' called me, her car was totaled. The ambulance took her to the emergency room. We stayed there with her for a few hours until they finally let her go home after a CT scan & xrays. She is ok, she has some bumps, bruises and very sore neck and shoulders. Doctor said she won't be able to return to work till next week. Thank God she is ok.

Thank God for my little boys

2007-01-18T22:56:00.000-05:00

Today was very busy, I have been to doctors appointments and/or scans everyday this week, (my online cancer friends can relate to that I'm sure) :-) Then I thought I'd have a day off today, I wanted to plan some special activities & crafts for my daycare kids who were coming early friday morning, but today ended up being the busiest of all!
The doctors office had a cancellation and wanted me to come in today, within an hour! In the meantime, the news lady keeps calling me to set a time today for an interview, my stepmom keeps calling me about her wedding, the insurance lady calls, my hives are itching me like crazy & have now spread up my neck and on my hands, I'm trying to print out some information from the internet on chemo rashes to take with me to the doctors and my printer is out of ink. Whew!
I'm so glad Wade came home from school in time to go with me to the doctor's office, he is my best friend, he holds my hand when he knows I'm nervous or stressed, he helps calm me down & I love him so much for that. He read cartoons for me while we waited in the doctors office, he even had to keep answering my cell phone, as it rang 4 more times, while I was being examined by the doctor. Wade is such a good little boy.
Ironically, Dr. Hudson told me the chemo rash/hives I have, can also be triggered or aggravated by stress, wow. (I've never had hives, it's so weird, I had no idea)
After a long day of the phone ringing, the doctor's appt, CVS for more prescriptions, 2 interviews (one in the parking lot at Dr. Hudsons & then another interview at our house with Mark) and about 5 more phone calls this evening, I was just ready to relax with my two little boys. We just decided to stop answering the phone & spend some alone time baking cookies together :-) My little boys are what keep me sane, when things get bad, I have them to love & hug on and you just can't ask for anything better :-)
Thank God for my little boys, my husband, family & friends. I wouldn't be able to make it thru this without ya'll! Thank you!

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Kim says........ (Kim is from the Hodgkin's message board)

Loc: New York, NY
The Myth of the "Good" Cancer Patient

#292396 - 01/18/06 08:03 PM

I will preface this by saying that this is my personal point of view and not the opinion of this station . Since I seem to be having a difficult time of late relating how I feel to people who have not had cancer, I'm going to take this opportunity to squat and share here among my tribe. Maybe I'll find out I am just plain full of scat, in which case I will set aside 40 days to go alone into the desert to wrestle with God. Common sense tells us when catastrophe befalls us it's more productive to have a good attitude, to have gratitude, faith, hope, and lend a helping hand to those less fortunate. That's the ideal goal.

Sometimes despite our best efforts, we fall short of this: we complain, feel sorry for ourselves, feel alone, that we've been dealt a hand we don't deserve. We may harbor resentments for those who've disappointed us, misunderstood us, avoided us, or even deserted us. This may lead us to isolate and fall into further despair.

What I'm learning--with much difficulty and pain--is that there are no extra points for being a "good" cancer patient; that is: patient, tolerant, accepting, cheerful, uplifted, courageous, willing to overcome any odds. Because of the example set by extraordinary individuals like Lance Armstrong, we may feel we've somehow failed if we fall short of that example, like we're being graded on how we get through cancer treatment and its aftermath. Have you ever said to yourself:

Why is it taking me so long to get better?-
Why don't I feel happier and more motivated now that treatment is finished?-
Maybe I'm not trying hard enough-
Maybe I should suffer in silence so I don't worry or upset those around me; besides, they're probably sick and tired of hearing about my cancer-
It's so petty to care about my appearance, I should just be grateful to be alive-
It's ok that my friends don't call as much anymore, I can't expect their lives to stop just because I got sick -
I should be strong enough to deal with this and figure this out on my own-
Something must be wrong/defective with me-
Why can't I snap out of this depression and my negative attitude?

All those who answered no to all of the above are excused. For anyone who answered yes to even one of the above, consider this: you are not alone. In fact, you are NORMAL. The truth is, some of us will hardly bat an eye through treatment; will train for marathons, get married, have kids, go around the world (my onc had a patient who went to HK in the middle of chemo with no repercussions). Others will quit work immediately, feel sick, depressed, like the world is closing in on them.

Unfortunately, there's a lot of shame attached to a cancer diagnosis (we become "untouchable"); we feel shame around how we conduct ourselves through cancer treatment, shame about how we recover post-treatment. We are constantly judging ourselves the way we perceive others are judging us (aren't you well YET?). We're so exhausted by the whole experience of treatment as well as managing our personal and professional lives, that it never occurs to us that what we need to do most is take kind and loving care of ourselves.

We're so busy performing damage control on our relationships (which need plenty of shoring up!) that we don't see that the most important relationship in need of repair is the one with us. My new therapist (who specializes in post cancer treatment) said that it's OK to lick your wounds after treatment--for months, if necessary. There's pressure for the patient to get back to "normal" because it's more comfortable for those who're afraid of getting cancer. But the patient is the one who suffers most and who desperately needs compassion. Like the neglected child assumes responsibility for his parent's lack of attention, the cancer patient may assume responsibility for his illness and the repercussions it has on everyone around him. We're deathly sick and we worry about the trouble we're causing for everyone around us!

This insult, added to the injury of the disease, is too much for us to bear. We crumble, little by little. The challenge is to reclaim who we are. We can start by letting ourselves off the hook and giving ourselves the compassion we so desperately need. We can give ourselves permission to take as much time as we need to regain our health and our strength, permission to weep out loud at the loss of our hair, permission to curse God for how sick we feel. We can take back our power and dignity by talking out loud and without shame or apology about our illness or why we need help. It's not our fault we got cancer and there's nothing that says we're bad or defective if we don't conduct ourselves like Mother Teresa. (Even saints have their defects.) But we can't do this alone. Finding support groups (including this board) has been a lifeline out of the abyss for me. Four months out of tx and I'm only starting to piece together a recognizable map of where I've been. I encourage anyone in need of a guide to seek help from therapist who is trained in dealing with cancer issues. The relief you get in talking to someone who "gets it" and can offer suggestions and/or solutions is priceless.

Kim

--------------------

It's never too late to be what you might have been ~ George Eliot

Sub-clavicular biopsy of node 5-16-05

Dx: 5/23/05 NSHD 1A

4 cycles AVBD 6/23/05 - 9/29/05

Neupogen 5 days post-chemo starting 7/7/05

Clean PET 7/21/05

Clean PET 10/18/05

17-month check up 2/6/07 - still in remission

Thank you

2007-01-16T15:56:00.000-05:00

Good news... Wade's school PTA, has decided to donate money to help get us hooked up to city water!! I had no idea they even knew our situation! It was such a nice surprise when my friend Kelly called the other night after the PTA meeting, to let us know.

Wade's kindergarten teacher, has been a huge help to us, especially with drinking water & groceries!! Then, one of the parents in Wade's class, have been kind enough to get things rolling for us with the water hookup because he is an engineer! How wonderful is that?! They are doing all the calling for us and hopefully we can get hooked up soon. How nice! Thank you all!

Ugly rash taking over...itch, itch, scratch, scratch

2007-01-15T19:45:00.000-05:00

Cancer just refuses to go away without a fight!
Now, the left side of my body is covered in a raised, extremely itchy, burning rash. It developed in the exact same areas where I had the bleomycin linear scars from chemo. Got another CT Scan to do in the morning.
I've been scanned SO many times now, I'm starting to feel like a barcode!!! :-)

Last Radiation- DONE!!!!

2007-01-06T09:52:00.000-05:00

I got zapped yesterday for the last time! Everyday for the last 3 weeks (except weekends) and I'm finally done. I hope I never to see a radiation machine again!
The nurses even gave me a certificate yesterday, they are so super nice, check it out...
Pretty cool, huh? I feel free again! I can finally get on with my life now.

It's been 8 MONTHS of:

1st Surgery to remove lymphnodes & appendix
2nd Surgery to insert portacath in chest (very painful, awake the whole time)
Drilling a core of bone marrow from my back (very, very painful)
Taking countless blood draws from my arm (ouch!)
Colonoscopy (yuck)
Several CT Scans, PET scans & XRAYS (CT & PET scans means more needles!)
1 trip to Emergency room in excrutiating pain that resulted in 5 days being hospitalized with a tube up my nose while my stomach was pumped.
12 rounds of horrible chemo every 2 weeks for 4 hours at a time followed by 9 days of pain, puking & exhaustion.
12 rounds of radiation being zapped into my belly & hip everyday which the doctor tells me will greatly increase my chances of getting a 2nd cancer! Ironic!

ALL THIS TO HOPEFULLY HAVE SAVED MY LIFE! It was worth it to hear the news that I am cancer free! As you know, there is no cure for Hodgkin's so I will continued to be monitored the rest of my life. I will go back to see the doc every 3 months and then every 6 months and so on. He says the cancer is more likely to come back within the first 2 years, so if I can make it past then, I'll have pretty good chances of making it! Let's HOPE! :)

I try to stay positive through it all and I know the tragic events that have occured in my life have only made me stronger and made me the person I am today. What keeps me going is what my mom used to always say, "Remember, there is always someone worse off than you" and "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

I am grateful to still be alive and be able to be a mom, wife, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, granddaughter, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, step-sister, step-daughter and friend to all those who mean the most to me.

All in all, I've still got a wonderful life!

One of my favorite songs is "Life Ain't always Beautiful" by Gary Allen.

Life Ain't Always beautiful, but it's a Beautiful ride!

___________________________________________

Mallory I'm so happy to hear this wonderful news!!!! It's just exactly the way that I've been praying that it would turn out. Your story has and will continue to touch and give inspiration to so many more people out there along the way. I truthfully believe that Faith, wonderful doctors and medicine, supportive family, supportive friends and last but not least THE WILL TO NEVER GIVE UP are the steps to becoming a Genuine Survivor. Thanks from a Fellow Survivor for the hope and inspiration that you have shown during your battle. I couldn't be more proud of you for the way that you handled it.

Best Wishes, Bobby S.

Mallory, what wonderful news! I am so happy that all of those treatments are over and your cancer is gone. I admire you so much for your bravery and positive outlook. So many prayers were being said for you and God heard and answered them all. Keep your positive thoughts. I am glad we got to meet you, even though it was a short visit. Hopefully we can get together soon.

Love and prayers, Jan

Happy New Year

2006-12-27T17:32:00.000-05:00

Hope everyone had a good Christmas. We did! We had a great time with our families for Christmas. I'm still working on all the thank you's I need to send out! We just got home from radiation #7 today. I'm a bit nauseous, but ok for the most part. I've started drinking Boost & Ensure and I think it helps. They took more xrays today, not sure why, just checking to make sure they aren't turning my insides to mush I guess.
So far so good, still breathing, will be so happy when completely finished and I don't have to see that nasty cancer building everyday. I will also be so happy to get this port device taken out of my chest, it's become very itchy and bothersome.
Happy New Year, Let's hope next year is WAY better!

Radiation EVERYDAY...

2006-12-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

I began radiation on tuesday and I go everyday now until about Jan 4th. I don't have to go on weekends. The radiation itself is a little scary but not near as horrible as chemo was. When I walk into the radiation room, the scariest thing was not the radiation machine, but actually the door to the room!

It hit me how very serious radiation was when I saw the 8" thick steel door with the radiation warning signs all over it and a huge locking mechanism on it. The nurses walk you in, set you up on the table, line up the lasers that are on all four walls of the room with all the marks they have put on my body, then they leave the room. They close the huge 'bank vault' door behind them, the alarm goes off and the radiation begins, it only takes about 2 minutes as the machine zaps me from the top and then flips upside down to zap me from the bottom. Thankfully, I can't feel anything except vibrations.
I've done 3 so far, go in today for #4 and I've noticed it causes extreme fatigue and just a little stomach queezyness.

I'm glad it's almost over and I hope I never have to go through any of this again. This has been a VERY, VERY rough 7 months of my life, but I just thank GOD I still HAVE my life!.............. I have alot to be thankful for this Christmas!

Start Radiation Monday

2006-12-16T10:34:00.000-05:00

Mark and I met with the Radiation doctor, on Wednesday. He told us the PET scan showed "No Evidence of Cancer!" That's awesome! I still have to have radiation though. The PET scans are not 100% accurate and Dr. explained how with Hodgkin's Disease, you have to hit it really hard the first time and make sure you kill it all, because it has a high comeback rate. He also told us that Hodgkin's has a high likelyhood of causing a second cancer to develop, usually Acute Leukemia, a non-hodgkin's lymphoma or hematologic malignancies.
I have good news though.....Doc said I will only need about 12-13 radiation treatments instead of the 30 they originally were talking about so thats great! I have to go everyday except weekends and should be done by Jan 4th. Yea!!! Hope everyone is getting ready for a wonderful Christmas! :)

slskenyon said...
I am so glad to hear that you will have to undergo only a fraction of the treatments that you originally thought you would have to. I admire your ability to see this as a "process" you are going through, and I must say that you really are taking things one day at a time, one milestone at a time.
1:05 PM

Bobby S said...
Hey Mallory, thats the news that I have been waiting to hear from you. How wonderful and I couldn't be happier for you. See now that the sky is beginning to lighten from that storm that I talked about. Your Awesome girl. A Genuine inspiration to all. The way that you are fighting this will help so many others and touch alot of lives along the way. You go girl. Your friend Bobby Schneider
4:23 PM

Anne said...
Good luck on your radiation! I'm going to get radiation number 9 today and then 5 more to go! Your blog is very helpful and I would like to link to it if you don't mind. Keep the faith and best wishes to you and your family.Sincerely,Anne
9:31 AM

Fred in Taiwan said...
Thanks be to God! Mallory, you are a real trooper and I had faith that you would come through this! What a wonderful Christmas present and a great way to start the New Year! Bless you all!
11:22 PM

Good News!

2006-12-11T09:59:00.000-05:00

Results of the PET scan are in..............Good News, all the lymph nodes are shrank back down! (is shrank a word? ha ha) They said it looked good! I haven't talked to the doctor yet, it was the secretary that called, so I still have some questions. But I'm guessing that means no cancer in my lymph nodes and that it's only in my hip now, but I'll find out more on Wednesday when I meet with the radiation doctor. But so far, that's good news! That means all the horrible 'Drano' they pumped in me for the last 6 months was worth it and it worked!!! Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PET scan today

2006-12-07T09:03:00.000-05:00

I'm going in for a PET & CT scan today. I won't know the results for a couple days. I meet with the radiation doctor next week & then suppose to start radiation treatments right after Christmas. Dr. said it will be around 20-30 rounds of radiation he guesses, it's up to the radiation doctor to decided for sure. Hopefully that will work and get the cancer out of my hip bone. I can feel it ache when I lay on my right side in bed.

One of those days....

2006-12-05T22:33:00.000-05:00

Couldn't sleep again last night, all the steroids (prednisone & decadron) they give me in my chemo keep me up alot and the bad thing is I'm SOOO tired. Weird.
The pain in my neck & shoulders started this afternoon and just would not let up. The weird scratch looking bruises have spread from my left side all the way up my shoulder and on my back now. Here's a picture of my shoulder, you can see it looks like I've been scratched really bad. If any of my cancer message board friends are reading this, let me know if you've also had these weird markings on you after chemo. I heard that it's the tissue bleeding & burning on the inside out from the chemo drugs. I don't know.

DONE WITH CHEMO!!! YEA!

2006-12-02T11:53:00.000-05:00

Chemo can kiss my you know what!! :) I still have a few days of sickness ahead of me but hopefully by next week I will start to feel like a human again! I'm so glad it's over with. Mark went with me to my last chemo and he laid in the hospital bed with me for the few hours till it was done, just happy it was our last one! Sandra came over to babysit the boys for us that day so that was nice!
We've been gettin' ready for Christmas, I'm really looking forward to it now that I know I won't be sick. Dr. said we may be able to cut the radiation down to 20 treatments but we won't know for sure until I meet with the radiation doctor in a couple weeks. I go in for a PET scan next week, that is the test that will show wether or not all this chemo did it's job, so I'll be nervous about that until the tests come back.
Workin' on gettin' my xmas cards out in the meantime! :)

Bobby said....
Hey Mal, excellent news about your LAST Chemo. Yes now you'll get to feeling a little better every week and before you know it all of the hard times will be behind you. PET scans are a real breeze and the two ladies that did mine were really nice at St. Marys. I look forward to hear some really good news from you about your results. I spent most of Christmas 03 in bed with horrible pain, so Christmas 04 and 05 and now especially 06 will really be special for me. I'm proud of you for your stamina during the hard times and you are a genuine inspiration to me and to all. Your in my prayers everyday my dear friend. Till next time Bobby Schneider

Last chemo tomorrow (Hopefully ever!)

2006-11-28T16:02:00.000-05:00

I am so nauseous today just thinking about going in tomorrow. It's strange how your mind can do that to you. I was fine yesterday. I also am starting to realize how noone really understands all of this except for other survivors who have been through this. I feel so alone sometimes, when I try to talk to my family or friends about my treatments and fears, they usually change the subject or cut me short. It's strange.

My friend, Bobby Schneider, who is also a survivor, gave me Lance Armstrong's book about his battle with cancer, it has helped me so much and I try to read a little each night. Alot of the times it's not things I want to hear though. Like last night, I read the part about radiation since mine is starting soon & I don't know much about it. Lance said that the radiation causes permanent circulatory system damage and effects your balance. Great! More damage, bring it on! By the time all this is done, I'm gonna feel like one of those wrecked cars my husband is always working on, "it's totaled but is still driveable, they'll say." ha ha!

I know I don't show it and I try to keep alot inside because I don't want to burden anyone, but sometimes I really need to talk. Cancer, chemo & radiation all are very serious and very, very terrible, awful, sickening, frightening, super traumatic things. It's not like I am just going in for surgery or something, it's much, much worse than surgery, I know, I've had 5, they are a piece of cake compared to this chemo nightmare. I have no control over my brain function half the time, I am continuously short of breath now, I can't do as much as I used to, the left side of my body is all brown stains now from the chemo chemicals eating up my insides, the portacath and wire inside my chest is always itching, pulling and aching and this 'fear of chemo syndrome' (aka anticipatory nausea) has taken over, I bawled as soon as I saw the chemo room last treatment. Luckily my good friend Rusty was with me and Dr. Browning to try to calm me down and get me settled with alot of sedatives. There is just so much yucky junk that happens to your body besides the incredible nausea and pain that you see on TV. It's all this other stuff that noone tells you about. So I am telling all of you, all the lymphoma patients I have met on the Hodgkin's message boards. I wish someone had told me all this stuff.
It's also all incredibly depressing, especially since there is no cure! I find myself always wondering if these treatments are going to work, if it does, will it come back, how many ct scans am I going to have to endure in my life, for the rest of my life. Until a cure is found, my cancer monster will always be over my shoulder. Always taunting me, never letting me forget.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

PLEASE CLICK ON THIS LINK & TURN UP YOUR SPEAKERS, THIS SAYS IT ALL.........

http://www.thesurvivormovie.com/

it's only a minute or two long.

Please send it to anyone else you know who if fighting this horrible disease!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face…You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
--Eleanor Roosevelt

We are so Thankful!!!!

2006-11-21T23:02:00.000-05:00

We want to thank everyone for the generous donations we have received for Thanksgiving! Wade's kindergarten teacher, her husband & his men's bible study group, generously brought us groceries last weekend! It was so wonderful! They even brought me a bunch of Ensure to help me get well. Thank you so much!!!

This monday, Mr. Cole's 4th grade class so generously gathered groceries and BuyLow gift cards for us for Thanksgiving! We are so grateful! I want to thank my friends Shannon & Kelly for their thoughtfulness in nominating us as a family to help this holiday season. Thank you!!!!!!

We are so blessed to know such wonderful people and to call you our friends! Thank you all so much for your kindness.
You have shown us the spirit of Thanksgiving!
We are truly THANKFUL! God Bless you all!
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Shannon said...
Hi Mallory,
You are so sweet to copy me on the wonderful e-mails that you send. The people at Scott school are truly wonderful and I am so glad to read about their generosity! What an amazing group of people! It's great that the groceries, etc. that they have provided are such a help to you and your family. You certainly deserve it!

You're an inspiration, Mallory. You really are. Cancer picked the wrong person to mess with when it picked you. You trust the Lord and you're a fighter... you will beat this and overcome it just like you have the other obstacles set before you.

I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving.

Much love,
Shannon

Very Bad Day yesterday....

2006-11-16T04:10:00.000-05:00

My cousin, Tita, passed away this morning. I have obviously been very upset. As we have grown close in these last few months while fighting the same kind of cancer. The family is making funeral arrangements now. She will be buried in the Locklin (my mom's maiden name) Cemetary with the rest of the family we've lost. Please keep her husband & young daughter in your prayers.

I finished chemo #11 with alot of tears, fear and frustration. Dr. Browning said all my counts were very low right now, white blood cells, red blood cells, hemoglobin..... I was given a shot to try to boost my red blood cells and was also put back on antibiotics, yet again, for my super low white blood count since that makes my immune system nearly nothing.

Dr. Browning told me I have 30 rounds of radiation to look forward to!!! Every single day for 30 days I will receive radiation of my cancer infected right hip! Ugh!

Thank you everyone who has been sending words of encourgement, cards, prayers, groceries, etc. It is MOST appreciated!

Bobby Schneider said...
My Dearest Mallory, I was deeply saddened to hear about the loss of your cousin Tita. Your family has been through so much that it just tears my heart out. I'll always wonder why some people ride down lifes highway on cruise control and others have to take that winding, hilly and bumpy road. I pray for you, Mark and your family every single day just minutes after I awake. I treasure the day that we met and consider you a close friend and genuine inspiration to all. My diagnosis of stage 4 Lymphoma was 3 years ago and even though it was an up hill battle most of the time, I'm doing very well now and I'm 100% certain that you will be too just down the road. Remember that Cindy and I will always be there for you guys. Love, your friend Bobby Schneider

holly strange said...
Mallory & (Mark and boys),There are several people in Corydon praying for you. Keep your head up and keep praying. The website is a wonderful way to keep us posted. Thank you for sharing.
We love you all!!
Holly Strange

Please Pray for my cousin Tita

2006-11-15T09:09:00.000-05:00

My cousin, Tita, also has Lymphoma. She has been battling it very hard these last few months at M. D. Anderson hospital in Houston.
I was told last night that the hospital has sent her home, theres no more they can do for her. Her husband was generous enough to charter her a plane to get her back home to Wichita Falls the quickest and most comfortable way.
We have been told she only has a matter of hours left.
Please pray for her, her husband and their young daughter.

11th chemo tomorrow

2006-11-14T12:55:00.000-05:00

I go in for chemo #11 tomorrow. They are getting so much harder towards the end. I get so sick just thinking about going. I cry alot now, I think a little depression is kicking in. Chemo is such a devastating thing to your mind and body. Feels like your being poisoned to death slowly.

My good friend & next door neighbor, Rusty, is taking me again to my chemo treatment. I get so sick now that they have to sedate me during the few hours while the IV poison in being pumped into me. I can't drive home. Rusty is such a good friend, he's been through alot in his life medically too so I think he is very understanding of my disease. Mark said he will go with me to my last chemo. It's hard for him to go with me because he works the night shift and needs to sleep sometime and chemo treatments usually last from 9:30am to 2pm or so.

My sister-in-laws, mother-in-law and me all went away last weekend to stay in a cabin in the woods by Patoka Lake. We had such a nice time. It was just what I needed, to get away from the hubby, kids and housework, relax & not be reminded by anything of my disease. We just talked, sat in the hot tub, acted silly and laughed alot.

Sunday night on Extreme Home Makeover, they featured a family in St. Meinrad, Indiana that was so similiar to us. The wife has cancer, they have small children & a little boy who reminded me of my little boy Cody. The wife's mother also had breast cancer and survived. My mom had Lou Gehrig's disease but didn't survive, she died just 4 days after my high school graduation.

Fred said...

Mallory,
This morning when I got you email I was so happy to receive it. Thank you for taking the time to write. I have been in Taiwan almost four years and rarely hear from the old gang. Of course, I don't have all their email addresses so they don't have mine. I then went to you blog and cried. Luckily a friend of mine was here to embrace me. I am so sorry that you are going through the pain that you are and pray that it works for you. Regarding my cancer, I am living with it. I have no pain. I am doing Ren Dian, acupuncture, Qi Gong (ChiGong), and herbal medicine. I am avoiding the Western medicine. I am a bad patient and don't always follow the doctor's advice. But, I am happy and have a good attitude. That is most important. Keep the faith, honey. Pray and you will make it. I once again thank you for sending the video about "I Have Cancer, but Cancer Does Not Have Me". It has been an inspiration to me. Thank you for all your sharing and may God bless you and yours!

Yours from Taiwan,
Fred

10th chemo down, 2 more to go

2006-11-04T09:09:00.000-05:00

I just had my 10th chemo last wednesday. It was pretty bad, I still ended up getting sick a couple times. I had the doc give me extra sedatives to knock me out, that worked for about 1 1/2 hours of it.
My good friend, Rusty, who lives next door, went with me. He kept me company during chemo and picked up Cody for me from Sandra's house, she had babysat him all day for me.
I felt awful that evening, very sick and nauseous, so Rusty even stayed and watched the boys for me while I slept on the couch. That was really nice.
I've been pretty nauseous again this time. I just keep trying to remember I'm almost done!
Doc is sending me for a pulmunary test next week to check my lungs. One of the chemicals in the chemo cocktail they give me is Bleomycin which is very damaging to the lungs, so I've got to get checked out.

Abdominal Pain has become way of life...

2006-10-26T15:55:00.000-04:00

The Abdominal pain just never ceases now. It's a constant, irritating reminder of my illness & intestinal problems from previous surgeries. Seems like no matter what I do I can't break free from it. I feel like a prisoner in 'pain & nausea penitentiary.'
The only thing keeping me going is the events I have to look forward to in our life. We are having our big annual Halloween Party this Saturday which I certainly hope the pain will subside a few hours for.
Then, my birthday is on Monday the 30th. Then I have been looking forward to taking the boys trick or treating on Halloween night.
Without these things to keep my mind occupied and me busy getting prepared for, I think I'd sit in my recliner all day and just go nuts feeling sorry for myself. So it's good I have my family & friends to think about and look forward to doing things with.

Worst Chemo yet

2006-10-19T23:35:00.000-04:00

I had the worst case of anticipatory nausea yesterday during my 9th chemo. I was extremely nauseous and miserable. I ended up puking twice while I was receiving the chemo. The nausea still hasn't subsided. I am on every type of nausea medicine possible and I still haven't been able to get off the couch since yesterday. I am also very exhausted & tired due to low blood count.
I have extremely low white blood cell count again and this time Doc said I have also become anemic.
I wasn't sure exactly what anemia was so I looked it up:

Anemia is related to a decrease in the number of red blood cells and amount of hemoglobin (a protein that helps your blood carry oxygen). This in turn results in your blood being unable to carry oxygen throughout your body as well as it should. Cancer-related anemia can be caused by many factors, including chemotherapy, radiation therapy, iron deficiency, blood loss, the cancer itself, or a combination of these or other factors.

Anemia can make you feel fatigued or extremely tired. It may also have the following symptoms:

*Difficulty in thinking (cognitive dysfunction)
*Dizziness and weakness
*Shortness of breath with mild exertion
*Pale skin
*Rapid heartbeat
*Feeling cold all the time
*Loss of sex drive
*Depression

I guess this explains the miserableness & tiredness. This also explains my embarrassment a few days ago when I was at the store. I counted the items up in my cart and calculated about $40 worth of stuff, when I checked out, it rang up at $90 worth of stuff. I didn't believe the clerk and had him show me the receipt. Sure enough it was me, I couldn't calculate correctly in my head! I had to have him put half of the stuff back, very embarrassing. This difficulty in thinking and not being able to do simple math in my head is happening more and more often, pretty scary!

Lost my voice

2006-10-13T22:47:00.000-04:00

Well, even after all my handwashing and everyone else being careful around me not to get me sick.....I got sick anyway. I've got a pretty bad cold & sore throat now and have totally lost my voice! Doc sent me out right away tonight to get on antibiotics.
I had to write a message with my name and give it to the lady at CVS so I could get my medicine, that was strange. Felt like I was holding up a bank, handing them a note.
The boys like it because I can't yell at them, ha ha! :-) Actually it's amazing how much better the kids listen to me when I can only whisper.
Hopefully I'll be able to talk again in a day or so.

I am officially a member of the "Bald Ladies Club"

2006-10-05T19:42:00.001-04:00

I just had chemo yesterday, it was my first chemo since I was released from the hospital. I felt miserable yesterday when I came home, but things are better today. My hair was coming out in clumps again. I only had a very thin layer left, so we decided to shave the rest off last night.
Mark didn't have the heart to do it, so Wade said he would. He is such a good helper. Here's a picture of Wade cutting mommy's hair. We gradually cut it down shorter & shorter with the flowbee & then got out the razer and shaved the last 1/2 inch off.

I actually feel better. It was such a mess, my hair has been falling out everywhere, in my food, in my tea glass, in my sink, all over my pillow case and in my hats. So I think this is liberating to just get it over with instead of watching it slowly dissappear. The doctor can't believe it lasted this long, he said I was one of the few patients he has ever seen keep some hair after this many treatments (8 so far, 4 to go), especially chemo for Hodgkin's because it's so aggressive.
I just have to get used to it now. Hope I don't scare anyone! :) Surprisingly, the kids seem to be fine with it and think it's neat, so that's good. I was afraid they'd be scared of me, but I think it helped that I let them do the cutting.
If I can just make it through the next 8 weeks (4 treatments) then I'll be done with chemo and we can start on the radiation therapy.
I'll just be SO glad when this is all behind me!

Scott said...
Most of us do not view your new hair do as scary. We view it as a fighter and courages women. Not having hair is not all that bad just think no more long hours fixing it and no more bad hair days. so just think all of us that know you see you with hair no matter if it is present or not. but keep the faith Mal as I am thinking about you and Mark and soon you will be through this.
2:28 PM

Pat & Bobbye said...
Mallory, you're a beautiful person inside and out, even without the hair. Just think of shaving your hair off as a hair treatment that is going to make it grow back healthier and prettier. You're doing great and just hang in there a little while longer. We've got you and the whole family in our thoughts and prayers.
10:51 AM

HOME FROM HOSPITAL

2006-09-26T21:15:00.000-04:00

Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to let everybody know that I finally got to come home from the hospital today!

I had began to get some extreme abdominal pain last thursday night. It became progressively worse throughout the night until I was on my hand and knees bawling in the living room floor. I called my Dad to come take me to the Emergency Room around 1:30am (Mark was at work). After many hours in pain the doctors finally figured out my small intestines had kinked or twisted causing a blockage, they believe it was caused from adhesions (scar tissue) from my last surgery in May. Here's a diagram & link from a great website I found that talks about adhesions and the related pain & trouble they cause. I hope maybe this information can help someone else out there who might be dealing with this same problem. It's funny, all the surgeries I have had, I don't remember any of the doctors telling me about the risk of adhesions, yet according to this website, they are very common and can obviously cause major health problems. Here's the link if your interested: http://www.clearpassage.com/pain/adhesions.php?OVRAW=abdominal%20adhesions&OVKEY=abdominal%20adhesion&OVMTC=standard

My lower intestines had completely shut down & I was in unbelievable pain from the pressure and swelling.
I was then given lots of pain medicine and a tube was inserted through my nose to my stomach to pump it out and relieve the pressure. After 5 days of pain, puking & pumping my intestines finally straightened out on their own without surgery, Thank God!
I was told this may happen again and I've been put on a special low-fiber diet to try to prevent it. My next chemo was also pushed back a week.

I want to thank everyone for their prayers, cards and flowers! I was so glad to come home tonight and see my little boys. I also want to thank my my mother-in-law Linda, Dad, Stacey & my sister-in-law Sandra, for taking care of Wade & Cody for me. I am so grateful!
Wade's 6th birthday is tomorrow! So I am very grateful to home just in time for that! :) I am still very sore and tired but just glad to be home.

Touching email from my friend & my husbands reply

2006-09-16T12:22:00.000-04:00

Hey Mallory,
I woke up thinking about you and hope your feeling good today. Just keep thinking about how far along you are with your treatments and how much of this is behind you everyday. Cindy and I are looking forward to The Race for the Cure Walk tomorrow at Eastland Mall. We'll probably get there around 7:30 am for the Service of Hope. The Survivor Recognition Program at 8:30am really means alot to me. I remember walking the 2 mile walk just months after my treatments were over and even though I felt pretty bad I was determined to cross that finish line even if I had to crawl or be dragged over it. The wonderful support for this event overwhelms me to no end. I have a MRI and Cat Scan this comming Tuesday and I will see Dr. Waits on Thursday for my results. If things look good again he is suppose to move my check ups out to every 6 months!!! The only bad thing about that is not getting to see my Hero Dr. Waits as often. In my book he is the Real Deal and I owe my life to him and his treatments!!! He tells me every visit that maybe 40% of my outcome is related to my attitude at fighting this nasty thing off. Trust me my Good Friend that there were many hard days that really just about got me down but I was bound and determined to move on from them. Mallory you are an inspiration to me and several others in this same fight. You are reaching out to so many through your journal and thats part of what being in the Cancer Family is all about. I guess I'll always wonder just why this thing attacked me, but one thing is for certain and that is that it tried to take on the wrong guy!!!! Keep up your fight and thanks for being an inspiration to me. Hope to see you tomorrow if your feeling up to it.
My Deepest Hope and Inspiration
Bobby Schneider

REPLY EMAIL TO BOBBY FROM MY HUSBAND, MARK...

Thanks Robert for the inspirational email this morning, this is Mark, Mallory's husband. Although, I've never met you in person, I feel like your an old friend. I read your notes all the time , I am particulary touched by the one this morning. Mal is still sleeping, she is so exhausted, her blood count is as low now as it has ever been. So tiring just to get up and go to the bathroom. I know, you could be setting on the porch swing, drinking coffee, watching the sunrise or eating breakfast with your family , yet you , someone we have never met, is reaching out...... You know she is tired now, you know she is shaking a little bit as she grabs for more medication, you know she is getting a little more afraid each day as the enemy is attacking, wondering how much more can she take......

Thanks Robert, for the caring, thanks for reloading the guns, the extra push up the hill and the armor.......I am very grateful.

Your friend Mark

Thank God for the good days!

2006-09-07T09:06:00.000-04:00

Like most people going through chemo, I have my good days and my bad days. Luckily, it seems that God arranged it so that Labor Day weekend would be some of my good days. I am so glad that he did too! We had a wonderful weekend doing my absolute favorite thing....spending time with family!
First we had a big family birthday party for Mark at his sister, Sandra's house. All his family were there, even his older sister and nephew came down from Corydon. We had a great time fishing, eating, talking & playing washers. Then on Sunday I got to see my cousin Tony, he came up to visit from Texas. We had a nice get together at Stacey's house with Shirley, Steffi, Sterling, Don & little Christopher.
Finally, Monday, I was still feeling well enough to take the kids to the zoo with Sandra, Dee, Eric & their kids. We all had a beautiful day and then met Mark for lunch. This was an awesome weekend and I thank God that he let me feel good enough to enjoy it. I believe he delayed my pain this time just so I could enjoy the weekend. I've been down & out pretty bad these last couple days, but it was worth it to have a nice weekend with the family!

Half way through Chemo! #6 complete!

2006-08-31T20:48:00.000-04:00

I am officially half way through chemo now! I've completed treatment #6 today. I feel pretty miserable right now, very out of breath, chest pains and nausea but I have to keep going to take care of the kids (Mark is at work). My white blood count was back up again so that was good. But my blood pressure is still low and I have now caught an illness and am running a fever. The doc said we will just keep an eye on it and make sure it doesn't turn into an infection.
I was really feeling miserable a couple hours ago until my dear friends, Wendy & Chris Schmitt, came by to check on me and bring me a complete dinner, meatloaf, potatoes, bread, bananas, milk, butter, etc. That was wonderful! A friend of Wendy's had prepared all this today and asked Wendy to bring it over to us. That is such a caring, thoughtful thing to do. We really appreciate it! Without my good friends, family & even help from strangers, we would have never made it through this last year! Thank you all so much :)

The face of cancer...

2006-08-23T18:47:00.000-04:00

...is not pretty.

Well, here's the cold, hard, ugly truth. I thought I'd post some 'real' pictures of me since I've lost most my hair now along with some eyebrows and eyelashes. I hope these real pictures can maybe help someone else who is just starting chemo, know what to expect.
I had to get the neulasta shot again, along with this treatment so I've had quite a bit of deep bone pain these last few days, that's why I haven't posted in awhile. I still am grateful though, I know many people have it worse than me, I just have to keep remembering that and keep the faith. Thank you to all my friends & family who have been sending me cards & gifts. It brightens my day when I see all the cards in the mailbox :)

2006-08-20T00:05:00.000-04:00

Bobby Schneider said...
Dear Mallory, Cindy and I were thinking of you today. When my white count was low and I had to get a Hemoglobin shot about 5 days later I encountered bone flare pains in the center of my back that lasted for almost 12 hours. Dr. Waits warned me about them so I knew exactly what to expect. I hope you don't have to deal with them and chances are that you won't. My treatments also made me feel very confused and simply feeling drained and sick. I remember days that I couldn't even focus on the TV. Lots of days I also wondered what was worse, the cure or the disease so remember thats completely normal to feel that way. Mallory you are going to beat this thing and you must keep thinking about that beautiful golden sky that will shine when this storm is over. Trust me, it will work for you just as it has worked for me. I felt the exact same way that you are feeling now when I had my treatments and now I'm living proof that Cancer can be beaten. I'm just about to the 3 year mark from when it hit me and now Dr. Waits say's that I'm doing excellent!! I know that you will too!!!! Hang in there and e-mail me if I can help you in any way. Cindy was effected by the Toyota layoff but all intentions are that things will pick up there in a few months down the road. We'll keep You, Mark and your family in our prayers everyday. My deepest Hope and Inspiration to you, Bobby Schneider

Drained

2006-08-18T18:29:00.000-04:00

Day after chemo and I am totally drained. My white blood cell count is extremely low, had to go back to the hospital today for a Neulasta shot to build up the cells again. My hemoglobin was also very low along with my blood pressure.... only 88/50. Nausea setting in. Hope this time won't be as bad as the last. I'm trying to keep my hopes up!

Chemo #5 tomorrow

2006-08-16T22:15:00.000-04:00

Well, I am finding out that "Chemo Brain" is a real thing. I have noticed that I seem to have lost most my short term memory along with my hair, I experience confusion that comes and goes, have been on an emotional roller coaster most the time and just can't seem to think straight sometimes. It's strange, losing control of your body and mind... and scary. I just keep thinking 8 more to go. Seems like forever right now. I read stories of other people with Hodgkin's Disease who are going through the exact same things I am, it gives me a little relief to know I'm not alone and not crazy! They are also going through 'chemo brain', severe abdominal pain, nausea, chronic constipation, muscle aches, etc. (check out some of the story links I have in the sidebar) I just read on another blog how the neulasta shot I've been getting for my low white blood count has been known to cause spleens to rupture, most of which result in death. I don't know what's trying to kill me more....... the cancer or the drugs!
On a brighter note........My oldest son started kindergarten today, it was such a bittersweet moment, letting go of my little boy. He was so excited and all smiles, he loves going to school.

I don't know what I'd do without my boys. They are what keeps me going! I love them SO much.

Thank you to everyone who has been helping us and sending cards and gifts. Thank you to my dear friend Wendy and her church, St. Paul's United Church of Christ, for the generous Walmart Gift cards from the sunday schools, extremely generous check from His Body Builders Bible study group and to Parke Memorial Church for the case of Tide laundry soap, downy softner and groceries. We are very thankful!

2006-08-16T17:09:00.000-04:00

Bobby Schneider said...
Hey Mallory, just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you today and praying that your chemo treatment went OK. I know exactly how your feeling but trust me, I'm living proof that it is worth the battle and much better days are ahead for you. My treatments were very intense and took so much out of me also but I never gave up and I came from stage 4 Lymphoma to being in remission and feeling GREAT!. If I could take a treatment for you and you would get the benefits I would gladly do it for you girl. You and your family are always in Cindy and my thoughts everyday. You are a real inspiration and I know that down the road we'll share story's about being in remission and doing Great. You have our Love and Support Always Bobby Schneider

God answers prayers!

2006-08-11T12:20:00.000-04:00

Wednesday night at about 2am I was on my hands and knees in the hot water of the bathtub crying and praying for the abdominal pain to cease. Well, this morning it finally has! Thank God. I don't know how thousands of other cancer patients get through this horrible chemo.......actually, I do know, we just don't have a choice, we have to, to survive!
I greatly appreciate cancer survivors alot more now that I understand what they had to go through. I don't know what is worse the cancer or the chemo! I've read so many articles now that tell how the chemo is so hard on the body that many people die just from the damage the chemo drugs do on the heart and liver.
I read an awful story about a 12 year old boy who had leukemia, he was on chemotherapy for a long time, the cancer was finally destroyed by the chemo and he lived awhile until one day his heart gave out. His cause of death was damage to the myocardial sac of the heart, a result caused by the chemotherapy.
There has got to be another way to treat cancer successfully without these horrible chemicals. Anyone who has received chemo IV drugs knows what I'm talking about, it's bags and bags of awful chemicals that are pumped directly into your main blood arteries. The toxicity of these drugs is sickening, literally. For a week after I've received all these drugs, I can't stand the smell of my own urine, it burns my eyes, I'm peeing out all the chemicals and it's like a cross between bleach, ammonia & battery acid. It's horrible! My husband says he can even smell the chemical smell on my skin the first few days after the chemo injection. That's why if people are going to receive chemo for a long period of time, they have to have a port inserted otherwise it would destroy and eat up your veins. The nurses even tell us to watch and make sure the chemo doesn't leak out of the port during the transfusion because it can scar the skin! I don't know how it doesn't scar the inside of my body, or maybe it does?!
Well, at least I am grateful to have these 5 mostly painfree days before my next chemo on wednesday. I am keeping the Faith, I know it will be worth it in the end, I hope!
Thank you to everyone who has been sending cards and gifts, you don't know how much it means to me!

2006-08-11T07:12:00.000-04:00

Ally said...
Hi Mallory, I'm glad you stopped by my blog. I don't mind at all if you link to it! :)

Chemo really stinks, but trust me, there *will* be a day when you feel good again. I know that when you're in the midst of it it's pretty hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but YOU WILL GET THERE! Keep your chin up :)

1:39 PM

dpaulo said...
Mallory,
I am going through ABVD for NSHD stage IIA (11 of 12) and I understand the terrible abdominal pain. For the first 5 or 6 treatments I would take vicodin or even percocet daily for pain. Then I started to wean myself off of it and the pain has gotten much more tolerable. I found that all the extra meds were hurting more than they were helping.
-blessings,
dpaulo

3:28 AM

Erin said...
Mallory
You look great. I wish Tyler and I could be with you during this time. I miss you and Aunt Stacey. Luv ERIN & TYLER

4:52 PM

2006-08-08T16:13:00.000-04:00

Anonymous said...
I was in a car accident over a month ago now and I was sent your website by a gal byt he name of Diane V. She told me to scroll down and read about 'Mark's accident' - so I did- I just skipped ahead and read about his accident. What an overwhelming story of triumph and faith! So after reading it over I hit the back button on my browser and was side tracked by something else. Wehn I came back to my computer, I started reading today's post. You are such an amazing person and God must really have faith in you - He will not give us more than we can handle. I feel so blessed that I had the chance to read your story- the good as well as the bad. I pray for your strength every day. I pray that you will find comfort and peace. I am honored to have come accross such an amazing woman. Keep the faith. In reading about Mark's accident, you were so optimistic in your thoughts and blogs, remember that optimism now - embrace it and let Him guide you through this time too. Thank you for sharing your story with me, I am forever touched by your faith and strength. God Bless you and your family.
Always,
Kelly Gray
Grand Forks, ND

Back to the Nausea!!

2006-08-03T13:11:00.000-04:00

Well, I've finished 4 treatments now, 8 to go! I don't think I'm going to make it. The nausea is so miserable and nothing seems to help! The CT scan came back with good news though, the chemo is working! My lymphnodes in my abdomen were all enlarged to the size of chicken eggs before I started treatment, but now after only 4 treatments they have shrunk down to only the size of lima beans about 10mil. So the doc said that was great news!
The extreme pain I had been getting in my belly, the doc thinks was from the fast shrinkage.
My abdomen is still taking on fluid and growing scar tissue but he says we can deal with that after the chemo is done.
Just the thought of chemo is making me very sick now. Nurses call it anticipatory nausea and that it's very common for cancer patients. They've given me a prescription now for something to calm me down and try to relax me before I come in. So I hope that helps, it was really bad yesterday. You can see on my face how miserable I feel. Anyway, at least it's working right? Just got to hang in there. If anyone has any home remedies for nausea I would be very interested in learning them! I'll be willing to try anything! Send me an email.

2006-08-03T09:15:00.000-04:00

Anonymous said...
You are still beautiful! :-)
And you WILL make it! So glad to hear the good report that the treatments are helping....Terri

12:48 PM

Bobby Schneider said...
Hey Mallory thats wonderful news about the tumors shrinking!!!After each treatment I felt like a fell off of an extension ladder and hit the floor. Each day I felt like a climbed up one step at a time and when I almost reached the top another Chemo Treatment came along. The best way to think of it though is that it will make you well again. You'll weather this storm my friend and there will be sunny days ahead. Trust me, I'm living proof of this. Hang TUFF girl. Your Friend Bobby Schneider

6:41 PM

Fred Wolz said...
Mallory,

I love your blog! This is a battle that you will win. I know because I have known you for many years and know that you are not only a beautiful woman but one tough gal! Keep the faith, baby! I'm praying for you and your family. You are not alone in this. God bless you!

Love from across the ocean in a little place called Taiwan,
Fred

6:55 PM

Ally said...
I got anticipatory nausea BAD right before every chemo. I was on Zofran and Promethazine- the promethazine (I think it's also called phenergan) helped me alot, it just makes you SUPER tired. Some people say ginger helps- ginger pills or even sipping ginger ale.

And although it sounds funny, sometimes it helped me to breath through my mouth- it was mostly the smells associated with chemo that made me want to upchuck everywhere. ;)

Hope you're feeling better. :)

1:43 PM

Thank you to all our friends & family!

2006-07-31T22:55:00.000-04:00

I did my Ct scan today, I won't know results until wednesday. I'm still nauseous from the barium I had to drink and that awful dye they insert in your body through the IV for the contrast. That stuff is awful! Anyone who has had an abdominal ct knows what I'm talking about.
I wanted to thank everyone for all their generosity! My friends and family have been helping us alot lately and we really appreciate it.
Tonight, we received a big surprise from Parke Church, they gave my friend Wendy, a huge basket of items they have collected to donate to us, everything from coloring books and school supplies for the boys to lotions, soaps, bath supplies, prayer cards, books and chapsticks for me! How thoughtful! Not to mention a huge monetary donation from one very generous lady at the church. God really does answer our prayers! As long as we keep the faith and keep praying, I know we can make it through this!
Thank you so much everyone who has been so generous over the last couple months, I don't know what I'd do without you all!

CT scan for monday

2006-07-28T11:04:00.000-04:00

Feeling better today. I had alot of blood in my poop the last couple days so my Oncologist is sending me in for another CT scan on monday to see whats going on. I'll get the results on wednesday when I go in for chemo #4.

2006-07-28T07:17:00.000-04:00

Anonymous said...
Hey Mallory I'll be thinking of you even more this Wednesday during your treatment. I remember dreading my Chemo's but always told myself that it's Mind Over Matter because in my case it didn't mind how much I mattered I had to go through it do get into remission. Hang in there girl because this will all be behind you before you know it. Believe me!!! All of our Love Bobby Schneider

9:34 PM

Pain...

2006-07-27T12:12:00.000-04:00

The pain is almost unbearable. Hard relentless pain in my whole belly. Pain pills only take the edge off for a short period of time, enough so I can function and get things done a little here and there, like taking a shower. Sometimes it will ease up for a couple hours or so but never completely goes away. I don't know how Mark made it through all his pain after his accident. At least he knows how I feel and understands my frustration and desperation.
My hair is still falling out all the time, I'm not bald yet, but you can see my scalp in the front through my thinning hair.
Here's what my drain looks like every day after taking a shower, and this is just one shower~!

Scary to watch all your hair fall out. I go in for chemo #4 next wednesday. I've still got enough hair that covers my head so I hate to shave it all off if it's not all going to fall out. My hair is the least of my worries right now.
The pain completely controls me right now and thats all I really think about. I try everything I can think of to get relief, I even have my boys walk on my belly. They are being great through all this. Wade is a really good helper, he can do almost anything from cooking hotdogs in the microwave to getting laundry out of the dryer, you name it, he's a little smarty. Cody is a little love bug, anytime I lay down he comes over to make sure I'm alright, petting my head and hugging me. I'm so glad I have them here.

2006-07-27T07:19:00.000-04:00

Anonymous said...
Hey Mallory...you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. I am glad you are keeping the journal so that I can be aware of what you are dealing with and can pray specifically. Somewhere down the road you will be able to use what you know about this horrible experience to encourage and help someone else...love you lots...Terri

12:54 PM

Severe muscle aches

2006-07-24T23:08:00.000-04:00

Aches and pains are taking over today. The Nuelasta shot for my white blood cells takes a few days to kick in I guess. I'm in an all over kind of pain now, mostly in my muscles. All my muscles hurt just to be touched, everywhere, arms, legs and especially back & shoulders. I'll write more when I'm feeling better.

The nausea is so miserable

2006-07-22T00:54:00.000-04:00

Oh my God! This is the worst misery so far. All yesterday and this morning I was SO nauseous and throwing up. I think I'd pick the pain over the nausea anyday. I had to sit with a bucket next to me most the day yesterday. It was all I could do to go to the hospital for the Neulasta shot I had to get for my low white blood cells.
Next chemo, the oncologist said he'd put me on stronger nausea meds. He said it's to be expected that this chemo will become progressively more miserable and unbearable as we go along. I guess it kind of builds up in the body.
Anyway, I'll get through this. It's just so disheartening to know only 3 days ago, right before I went in for chemo I felt great. I guess this is the cycle I will learn to live with the rest of the year. About 9 days of misery followed by about 2 days of ok, 3 days of almost back to normal and then I start all over again! Sometimes I think this is all so unfair. I pray about it.
I've been through some of the most horrible things a person can experience in the last few years, losing my mom, almost losing my husband, many other horrible life-changing things and now this!
I think I've always been a very giving person, always put everyone else's needs above my own, I pray, I try to take care of everyone around me and love my family & friends dearly and I show them and tell them so.
God must have a plan. All I can do is believe and trust in Him. It's all in God's hands.

White blood count too low

2006-07-20T11:05:00.000-04:00

Well, I went in for chemo #3 yesterday. It was awful, I felt sick only a couple hours after I got home, which is unusual, it usually takes a couple days for it to kick in.
Oncologist says my white blood count is to low at 2400 it's suppose to be around 4500. So I go in for my first Nuelasta shot today. That's the awful shot everyone says gives you unbearable bone pain. It gets into your bone marrow and reproduces more white blood cells and apparently expands inside your bone causing pressure on your skeleton. I hope the pain doesn't last for days.
I've caught a cold, but no big deal so far. The boys are doing fine and enjoying the summer. It's extremely hot and humid this week though so they've spent alot of time indoors too.
Mark is on vacation this week, so that's nice. We don't have any plans so we are just hanging out around the house.
My family has been donating to us, to help us with all our copays, which is so nice! Thank you all so much.
The Parke church has also been wonderful to us and has been donating quite alot. Twice this week they have brought us cases of canned vegetables, breakfast cereals, mac & cheese and bread. Isn't that wonderful? The Director of the Tri-State Food Bank heard our story and has been giving us special treatment and extra boxes. We are so thankful!
Good things always seem to come out of bad situations. Just have to keep the Faith!

My first pain-free, drug-free day! :)

2006-07-16T22:50:00.000-04:00

Yea! My first day with NO pain! I feel great today, a little tired.
At least I know I have about 4 good days right before my next treatment each time. I go in for chemo #3 on wednesday, yuck! Hair is still coming out but can't tell yet, thin but still covers my head.
Mark is on vacation this week, so maybe we will do something fun with the boys while I'm feeling good! I thank God for these good days and make the best of them. I took the boys to the zoo yesterday, it was the Hippo's 55th birthday and there were lots of fun activities, we had a great time!
The 4 of us just all hung out together at home today, helping daddy mow, eating ice cream, playing with a tree frog, swinging on the swing in the garden, we had a beautiful day, all of us together. I'm so blessed with a wonderful husband and kids. I couldn't ask for anything more.

It's only been 16 months since Mark's accident

2006-07-13T23:53:00.000-04:00

Can you belive?... 16 months ago, last March 31st, 2005, my husband, Mark, was severly t-boned on his way to work by a teenage girl who ran a stop sign at full speed and hit him in the side of his truck on Green River road pushing him into oncoming traffic where he was hit a second time headon by another big pickup truck. He was in the ICU 33 days with both lungs completely crushed & one collapsed, 8 broken ribs, lacerated liver in 3 places, extensive internal bleeding, broken eye socket, seperated shoulder, broken jaw, lots of gashes and puncture wounds. He had 3 chest tubes, had several surgeries, was on a ventilator for weeks, couldn't move or talk for almost a month. He didn't leave St. Mary's hospital until 2nd week in June last summer!
I know if Mark can live through the horrible nightmare he was a victim of, then I can make it through this. I just hope we get a year off soon, this is way too much for any family to have endure in such a short period of time.
I remember when the doctors didn't expect him to make it and look at him now! He is my inspiration. He is my HERO! (always has been)
I've had some people ask me about his accident and the articles, so here you go...

2006-07-13T09:41:00.000-04:00

Insurance problems

2006-07-12T18:19:00.000-04:00

I feel alot better today than I did last weekend, but the pain just never completely goes away.
I met with my sister-in-laws, Sandra & Dee, to take all the kids out to the Pizza Hut playground today for lunch. We had a great time watching all the kids play while we enjoyed a nice quiet conversation. We plan to meet again next week at the zoo one day if the weather ever clears up. It's so nice to be such great friends with family and that all our kids love playing with each other. I don't know what I'd ever do without Sandra and Dee, they are such great friends and would do anything for me, and have! :)
Bad news came in the mail, when I got home, the insurance company is trying to give us a hard time now, they have not paid the hospital bills saying they need proof first that this was not a pre-existing condition! I hope God has a plan for us.
I hope God will soon restore us both to good health and financial strength. We can only pray...

Pain has set in & hair falling out

2006-07-10T11:41:00.000-04:00

Friday night and Saturday morning were my worst days so far. I had terrible pain in my lower jaw, tongue, down my neck and into my shoulders. My left arm was almost useless, it had no strength and turned cold and red. Saturday morning the pain had spread into my back, I couldn't find a comfortable position my whole body just ached so bad. Thankfully, Mark came home from fishing Saturday afternoon and went to the pharmacy to pick up my pain medicine.
It was like night and day, I felt so much better once the pain medicine kicked in. Now I'm just dealing with my hair loss, it's falling out constantly, making a mess everywhere. I know I need to just go ahead and shave it off, but it is SO much easier said than done. Maybe I'll get the courage up today, I don't know.

I finally got some sleep last night, I still have to get up about twice a night to go pee, I don't know why, I have to go to the bathroom so often now. Maybe it's because my bowels still aren't working so my urinary tract is the only thing keeping things moving. Who knows! I have to take my pain medicine about 4am so I'm not in terrible pain when I wake up. I'm learning as I go.
Thank you to everyone who has sent cards, gifts, donations & emails. It helps to know I've got such good friends and family.

2006-07-10T07:20:00.000-04:00

Anonymous said...
Hey Mal! Thanks for letting us know what is going on with you. You, Mark and the boys are always in our thoughts and prayers. We will come to visit soon...of course, we will call first.

We love you...stay strong.

Sonya

12:58 PM

Anonymous said...
Hi Mallory,

Thank you for getting this site, it is a good thing. You may not remember, but when your Uncle Pete's hair fell out, it came back more beautiful than ever, so try not to dwell on it. You are more beautiful on the inside anyway.

Love to you and the family,

Pat

9:42 AM

Anonymous said...
Hey Mallory. I was looking through a magazine and saw a new medicine. It helps with all the problems your having. It also said it helps reduce hair loss. It's called Aloxi. Just know I love you okay?
-Meggan-
P.S-I hope to see you soon!

5:41 PM

Port inserted, chemo begins...

2006-07-07T22:50:00.000-04:00

So let the battle begin! It wasn't until 3 weeks later, after my tumor had been sent off to the Mayo Clinic in Boston that it was determined I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. This is the rarest of lymphoma's but thought to be the most treatable in most cases.

I am a stage 2A. There is only 4 stages of cancer, each one mostly pertaining to how much the cancer has spread throughout the body. Mine is localized in my lower right abdomen and has spread into the bone of my right hip. (but not in my bone marrow) I had a bone marrow test done and it came back negative, thank goodness. Let me tell you though, if you have been recently diagnosed with this disease and have not yet had the bone marrow test done, make sure to ask for sedation. It is one of the most painful experiences you will go through! You lay on a table on your belly as the doctor uses a hand crank drill to drill a small whole through your lower back and pull out a plug of your bone and marrow. The feeling is a cross between your fingernails being ripped off down a chalkboard and chewing on aluminum foil at the same time. Not pleasant.

After diagnosis, then staging, then bone marrow test comes the portacath. This is an awful plastic and metal piece about 1" large put inside my chest with a long cord that is threaded into a main artery across my neck and down my chest into my heart. This is a device used to inject the chemo IV drugs into my body without having to use the veins in my arms which can be very damaging.
The surgeon kept me awake the whole time during the surgery. This made the bone marrow test look like a piece of cake. I haven't read on any of the other message boards that anyone else was kept awake and not put under for this surgery except ...lucky me. This was THE most painful thing I have ever gone through. And I have had 2 c-sections! I'm glad I got the port now but I still don't know why I was purposely kept awake & tortured having it surgically inserted. Here's an ugly picture of it. You can see it poking out from under my skin...

Here it is without the bandage:

My oncologist (cancer doctor) has me planned for 12 ABVD chemo treatments and then radiation on my right hip after chemo which should be around Christmas.

I had my first chemo treatment June 20th. It was scary, unpleasant and took 4 hours! That's alot of drugs. The nurses access my port in my chest with a needle and then hook me up to an IV pole. Then over the course of about 4 hours she continues to bring in several IV bags of poison that flow into my body. It's a strange feeling knowing that toxic, corrosive drugs are being pumped into you. What other choice is there though right?
Some of the drugs don't feel bad, others I can taste in my mouth as they go in. I bring tea or sprite with me to sip on the whole time to try to keep the bad taste out of my mouth. It's kind of like a baking soda/metallic taste. One of the drugs is bright red in the IV bag, Adriamycin, it's even nicknamed the 'red devil' it's a bad one. Even makes me pee red! Weird huh?

I had my 2nd chemo July 5th, 2006. I am feeling worse this time than last. A little more upset stomach, very tired, very cranky and just no energy. The worst pain I have is mostly lower jaw pain which is a side effect of the Vinblastine drug. I have lots of sharp pains now and then and alot of dull all over pain. I can't sleep well from the steriods they have me on and from the night sweats which are a side effect of the cancer itself, not the chemo. I take tylenol pm almost every night, which helps.

The sink was full of hair this morning as I was brushing it, so I guess this is the beginning of going bald. I'm a bit depressed but knew this was coming. It's just sad.

Starting the battle...

2006-07-07T22:41:00.000-04:00

Everyone thinks....that will never happen to me. Cancer is something other people get, not me. I didn't even know what Lymphoma was when the doctor told me. Well, you can bet, I sure know what it is now!

I was diagnosed with Lymphoma on May 26, 2006. After finding a large hard lump in my abdomen, I went to the doctor to have it checked out in April. I met with my OBGYN first, thinking it may be a cyst on an ovary since it was in the lower abdomen. After an ultrasound & a CAT scan, it was determined I definitely had a large mass in my abdomen but it was not on my ovary. The surgeon was not sure what it was but knew it had to come out since it was so large and causing me pain. He was very sure it was endometriosis, which wasn't a very big deal and could be treated easily. Well, as I awoke after surgery, I was informed it had been an enlarged lymph node and that meant I have Lymphoma! I thought, Lymphoma? But isn't that some kind of ...... Cancer?!

OUR STORY...

2006-05-14T14:34:00.000-04:00

Last March 31st, on a chilly morning around 6am, my husband was on his way to work. He was traveling down Green River road when all of a sudden he was blind-sided by a car going full speed through a stop sign at Millersburg road. A woman who was talking on her cell phone and speeding, ran a stop sign at a very high rate of speed and T boned my husbands truck spinning him around and into oncoming traffic on Green River Road where he was hit again headon by another truck. He never even saw it coming.

The paramedics didn't even find my husband until minutes later when someone spotted him pinned under his truck. The vast force of the collision crushed his body and threw him out through the floorboard and passenger door onto the pavement. He was trying to yell for help but was unable to since his lower jaw was broken in two pieces and laying on his chest in a lot of blood.
His chest was completely crushed breaking 8 ribs down his left side, collapsing his left lung, the broken ribs lacerated his liver in 3 places causing internal bleeding, his shoulder was separated, his eye socket was broken, this list goes on.

I was laying in bed with our 3 year old son early that morning, when I got the dreaded call from one of Mark's friends who had seen the ambulances racing to the scene of the accident. I can't begin to tell you the feelings that come over your body when you hear this kind of news. I hope I never feel that way again in my life. My husband is everything to me, the love of my life, my very best friend and my hero.

To make a long story short, after 33 days in the ICU at St. Mary's hospital, several surgeries and lots of physical therapy, Mark survived! The doctors at St. Mary's called him the miracle man. His story was on the news several times and the Courier and Press three times. He truly is a walking miracle. I know it had a lot to do with his strength, faith, will to live and the thousands of prayers from all our friends, family and caring strangers! After his recovery, we had the mounting medical bills to deal with, $202,000 worth to be exact! We thought for sure we were in financial ruin. We met with several lawyers who wouldn't even take the case. The woman who caused the accident walked away the same day with minimum injury but she also had minimum coverage auto insurance which didn't make a dent in the bills.

Everyone told us there was nothing we could do and bankruptcy was our only option. That seemed so unfair that we had to suffer so much for someone else's recklessness, but we didn't see any other option.

So I scheduled an appointment to meet with yet another attorney, our 5th, a Mr. Bruce A. Smith, who specialized in bankruptcy. After hearing our story, he couldn't believe it. Come to find out, he only lived 2 blocks from the intersection where the accident happened and remembered seeing the horrible scene that morning, of mangled cars. He decided to take our case and try to save us from bankruptcy.... and he did!!!! After lots of meetings with the hospital and doctors he got our bills knocked down to only a fraction of what they originally were! We thank Bruce Smith so much for what he was able to do for us!!!

We also thank God everyday for the wonderful miracles he has given us! Good things have come out of very bad situations for us and we owe it all to God!

We were just trying to get back on our feet this year, trying to get the bills paid and Mark was able to return to work a few months later, when we got hit again! This time it was a lump in my abdomen! We were so scared. After several tests, scans and meeting with doctors, it was determined that I had a fairly large tumor in my abdomen. Noone knew for sure what it was yet, but the surgeon said it needed to come out. I was scheduled for surgery on Memorial Day weekend. The surgeon reassured me all was going to be fine and it was probably endometriosis which could be treated.

After I awoke from surgery, the doctor came over with a straight face and told me they had removed the tumor and unfortunately it was not endometriosis, but an enlarged lymph node which most likely meant.....Cancer! I started to cry uncontrollably and asking for my husband, he came in with tears in his eyes and we just held each other.

The next morning we met with an oncologist, I didn't even know what an oncologist was! After explaining to us what I had, the stage I was at and my likely survival rate and what our treatment options were, my thoughts were a blur! All I really remember was when he said 'survival rate' those words will wake anyone up!

It's funny, what I remember was, when he said my odds of survival were 65-70% the first thing that automatically pops in your head is....that's 30-35% chance of not surviving! Dr. Browning, my oncologist, decided we needed to start treatment right away.

I was introduced to chemo in June and have been taking treatments every 2 weeks since then. This fight with cancer and chemo has really made me appreciate all the cancer survivors out there! I had NO idea what people went through when they were on chemo, it's a horrible thing. It's funny when I get online and chat with other cancer fighters, we all kind of joke that we don't know what's trying to kill us more, the cancer or the chemo! I've learned that you have to keep your sense of humor in these kind of situations, sometimes it's the only that keeps me going!
Anyway, I have 2 more treatments to go, then I start radiation on my hip, where the cancer has spread from my lymph nodes into my right hip bone. I am still keeping a positive attitude, I think attitude has a lot to do with surviving. I learned that from my husband, he fought for every breath after his accident and he is living proof that willpower, faith and attitude can overcome extreme circumstances!

When my mom was battling with her disease, ALS, better known as Lou Gehrigs disease, she fought hard too, she fought just to move her limbs, to eat, to drink, everything. She fought for two years until it finally got the best of her in June of 1990, just 4 days after I graduated high school.

Now, my cousin Teet, is also battling Lymphoma like me. She is in stage 4 and has been through hell and back with her treatments. She has helped me so much in telling me what to expect and how to deal with all these horrible chemo side effects. She is currently at the Houston Hospital awaiting an Allogenic transplant and doing clinical trials. Please pray for her.

I just wanted to share our story with you. I like to tell our story to anyone who will listen to encourage everyone to keep a positive attitude, trust God, keep your faith and try to look at the bright side of things in the midst of tragedy.

Life is good if you make it so!